The Marathon

You just keep going..... That was the advice that he gave her....those four words kept running through her brain, like a constant marathon which ironically was the motivation behind it in the first place. So today, she just kept going.... She just kept running. And when she got home, she kept going. She went to the grocery store and she downloaded a movie.... She kept going. She started to make dinner, and stared to watch the movie. She kept going. She looked outside and saw the sun starting to set. In a quick moment of spontaneity, she threw a bag together to head for the sea wall... Urged by something unknown inside of her. She kept going. She rode her bike quickly to the wall, and jumped up. She saw the silhouette of Mt. Fuji staring powerfully back at her... Also urging her to keep going. She stared powerfully back at Mt. Fuji as it slowly started to merge with the impending darkness. She kept wishing.... As the tall grasses rustled in the wind, she kept wishing. As the fishermen swooshed their poles in the air to cast for fish in the glassy river, she kept wishing, and they kept fishing. The fish kept jumping. And as Mt. Fuji faded into the night, she took a moment. She took a moment to stop.... to stop going, and to stop wishing. She took a moment to clear her head, appreciate her life, her family, her friends, her job, all the positive and wonderful things in her life that are the very reasons she keeps going.....every day. Life is like an endless marathon where you just keep going. You choose you path, you choose your pace. You choose your "running partners" and you choose certain challenges. It is a race against yourself, and how you finish that race can only be determined by you and how you choose to run. And in that moment of realization, she knew she was already a winner....and she kept going. -M

An Apple a Day...

iThink it's safe to say that iGrew up on Apples. iDon't mean the kind that you slice and spread peanut butter on or the ones you bake in a pie, but iMean the ones that are shaped like boxes or notebooks, that have a small mouse that doesn't eat cheese, a bunch of buttons with letters and numbers, a screen that looks like a TV... and has the power to help you create, compute, and take a trip accross the expansive universe of information called the internet. iHonestly cannot imagine my life without Apple. iCan remember the first personal computer we had in the house, it was the Commodore 64. That was the only non-Apple PC we ever owned. iAnd my brothers of course used it for the ever-important Montezuma's Revenge, but my dad was always working late nights inputting information for the office and writing his own programming to do so... At the time, it was the best-selling single PC, but the IBM/Apple race was about to change all of that... and Apple would soon enter my life and change it forever.

Mr. Holly's computer Lab at school was a sea full of Apples, and his enthusiasm for these innovative machines certainly inspired me. For some strange reason his enthusiasm for the Final Four Brackets didn't inspire me as much as Apple. iCan remember early mornings running into the lab to play games on the Apple (II??): Oregon Trail, number munchers, word munchers, and other such games not stopping until the bell rang and it was time to head to class.

When we moved my sister Deb into college, Dad bought her a Mac Plus. iCan remember him setting up the computer for her.... it was so small! iCouldn't wait to get to college to have my own Apple someday...Our family went on to purchase such Macs as Mac IISi with printer, Mac Quadra, Power Mac G3, iMac in Blue for Ben for college, iTook the Power Mac G3 to UCI, Powermac 8500 for Tim at UCSB, my sleek Powerbook 2400c Laptop when I moved to Japan for the first time complete with a "critter cam", now Mom and Dad own a Mac Pro, Mac Mini, Apple TV, and two iPhone 4's.

My self-puchased mac history begins post-first-Japan-laptop with the first gen white iBook G3 followed by the G4 Aluminum, first and third gen white MacBook, and current Macbook Pro.....Plus First gen iPod Mini in pink, first gen iPod Nano in White, Video iPod in Black, iPod Nano ("fatty") in Pink, and Current iPod Nano (Clip-on) in Pink. Not to mention iPhone 3G, 3Gs, 4 and now 4s is on order and available for pickup tomorrow on its debut thanks to the timely cracking of my iPhone 4's screen.... hmmm? A message from above not to miss out on the latest Apple Gadget??? iSeriously cannot imagine my life without Apple....iAlso feel this innate allegiance to Apple and its products.... iCannot understand those who haven't caught on yet... iAlways thought that if iDidn't work where iDo, iWould want to work for Apple.

Apple has had the power to bring "home" a lot closer to Japan. When iFirst moved here, I had a set day where I would call home using a calling card... now, every morning, iCall home on Face Time and have coffee and a catch up with my Mom or with my friends who are sprinkled all over the globe. That, in and of itself, is priceless to me.

iCan only imagine what it must feel like to have the kind of brain that is capable of creating Apple products. We take for granted that these products will continue to show up on their debut day, and that they will continue to be better than the one before. It s rare that you actually take amoment to think about the people and brains behind these devices that have made our lives much easier and more convenient. Steve Jobs once said,

Again, you can't connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something - your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. This approach has never let me down, and it has made all the difference in my life.

Well, now looking back, Apple has been a huge network of dots that have connected my life, my creativity, and connected me to family and friends. Thank you Steve for having the courage to trust your gut, because the difference it has made in your own life, has made differences multiplied exponentially for the world. -M

3 Days

I don't know what it is about flying that makes me so pensive.... There is an inherent juxtaposition of emotions. Inevitably, you are always leaving something behind, but simultaneously, something also is awaiting you... It's almost as if the time in-between is a portal of thoughts, feelings, and emotions suspended in the air and supporting the aluminum wings of the plane.... You look outside the small windows and see the world slowly pass below the belly of the plane and realize once again that life will continue to go on whether you are there or not....

It was a particularly rainy trip to London this time. The rain welcomed me as I dragged my overpacked luggage from the train station to the taxi queue. The riots had calmed down, but not knowing for sure made me second guess every hooded-sweatshirt person I saw, gripping my luggage especially strong this time around.

I would return to the same hotel once again, hoping to see those familiar faces. For being far away from home, it certainly had become a place I could feel comfortable.... I had no idea what was awaiting me this trip, but now looking back, I wonder if I had the chance, would I have changed the way this week had played out? That is the question....

His name was James, and we met in the lobby lounge of the hotel. Introduced over drinks with friends, I immediately was intrigued. Maybe it was his perfect hair, or adorably perfect eyelashes, but in any case, I had had enough Peroni to muster up the courage to speak with him.

It's been a very long time since I had dated anyone, and the last time I tried, it really didn't end up well. I wouldn't consider myself someone who gives up, or becomes jaded, but I was really starting to wonder if it would ever happen for me again....

If all you had was three days, would YOU pursue it? Well, when you ask at the beginning of the three days, three days can seem like an eternity of possibilities.... But when you ask at the end of the three days, it seems like such a finite amount of time that was fun while it lasted....

We spent those three days with each other.... And my heart saw such possibilities. I found myself believing again that I am worthy of love (which ironically is the meaning of my name). James had the power to show me that I am desirable... The whole experience had the power to show me how much I want to share my life with someone, and to never give up in believing that it will happen for me someday. And for 3 days and a guy named James, I'd say that is pretty powerful.

I tried to enjoy every minute I did have with him... And I was amazed at how this feeling of excitement and wanting to love again made me feel.... I was floating on air...walking on sunshine amidst the rainy London sky.... I fell for him very quickly... And I blame it not on naiveté, but an eternal optimism and belief in love. And as quickly as I fell, the 3 days were over. I was left saying goodbye to someone I barely knew and yet felt as though I had known already for ages.... A small part of me fantasized that he would chase me to the airport and beg me not to go.... But this wasn't Hollywood.... It was London, and the 3 days were gone, just like James.

It takes a lot to make someone believe in something. And if 3 days and James could make me believe in myself, believe in love, and believe that it is waiting for me, then I am forever indebted to him.... I can't help but feel like it was meant to be.... I believe that, and I have no regrets, even though when I think of him, I feel a small pain in my heart.... But it has left a wide open place for 3 more days....and perhaps even the rest of my life. -M

Single-ly Ever After

Circa December 2010


Once upon a time, there was a thirty something singleton maiden who longed for a prince...... Oh, hell... This chapter of my love life is so far away from a fairytale that even I cannot pretend to write it that way.

It was a moment in my life that I'd rather soon forget, but instead, I will write about it to rise above the utter a-holeness of the whole thing. The only way to look at this experience is to laugh and guffaw and the ridiculousness of some people's blatant lack of respect for anyone..... And hope that karma is truly the bitch we claim she is, and that she will come calling in some way, shape or form to his life.

The backstory? This is nearly six years ago, mind you...Well, as most bad dating experiences start, I had joined match, and decided that I wouldn't search, but see who peruses my profile. Low and behold, a nice looking guy from my college town gives me a hit, and I email him.

Enter 6 years of short email communications, failed attempts at meeting one another, and some unknown number of Facebook pokes which of course were initiated by him, and obviously didn't mean anything more than a click of a mouse.

Fast forward to the present, and the impending a-hole experience that I could really have done without. Both home for Christmas vacation, we decide to meet up.

The next series of events should have clued me in, but the hopeful singleton maiden in me couldn't let go of the hope that this could be the one that would save me. Little did I know that he would actually swoop me up, throw me off the horse and sell my location to the non-existent wicked witch.

Date was set. Place an location determined by me, but official request by him. THEN he asked if he could bring his brother. A few hours later, he would be wine tasting prior to the date.....then he was running late..... Then he was running even later.... Then he asked if I would meet him and his brother at their hotel room. YES I said hotel room. THEN he said no..... Then he asked if we could pick them up..... And he changed the location. I was flexible. Maybe too flexible, and for a dancer who has barely ever achieved splits in her life, this was really going above and beyond for the faint glimmer of hope.

His resume? Late twenty something early thirty something. AGE RANGE CHECK! Attending USC for Masters in Business EDUCATED CHECK! Already owns his own business JOB CHECK!! Loves to visit family in the bay area where he grew up. FAMILY GUY CHECK and BONUS: FROM BAY AREA

So, emails came.... "I'm so excited to meet you" "I feel like I've known you forever" little did I know it would all end with "I'm sorry"

I won't bore you with any of the awkward details.... He seemed nice, looked just like his photos..... Had a few extra s's in his speech which were questionable.... His brother looked young, and acted young.... But seemed nice.

My prego sis-in-law had joined up for a water on the rocks and splash of moral support. She didn't know what she was in for, and obviously neither did I, or we would still be at home with the family, eating peppermint ice cream and listening to pandora.

They didn't like the bar.... They said it was an older crowd.... We decided to leave.... Migrate...., but I wanted to make sure K got to her car okay.

Please fasten your seatbelt, because what you are about to read will seriously shock you. We headed back to walk K to the car.... And the boys trailed behind.... I was kind of worried about how I looked from behind, but that should have been the least of my worries.

I turned around, and they had disappeared. Gone. Like dirty alleyway ditch of a bad date. It was cold out, but my face went hot and tingly.... I panicked. Had I just been ditched? The day before Christmas eve? No, there must be some explanation..... 6 years of silly communication for a serious KO to the EGO? For someone that I barely knew, thought could be gay, and had more wrinkles than I could see in his pictures? No.... This was not happening!!!

Oh, but it was. We quickly turned around to try and find them.....as if there we some other magical explanation....like a credit card left at the bar.... They didn't tell us they had gone back because.... Uh.... Well... Whatever, we turned around anyway.

Back at the bar, there we saw them, entering the same place once again, thinking they had successfully dropped the extra unwanted baggage on the chilly cement sidewalk. I ran over and quickly brushed past the bouncer who had already checked my ID.... They didn't see me coming, and I grabbed his shoulder and asked him what he was doing..... His brother immediately walked out of the bar and pretended to be on some important call.... I looked my date in the eye and asked him what any normal girl would ask, "WHAT THE F%#¥?!!!!!

There was no life behind his eyes.... No look of guilt..... And he blamed it all on his brother. For a guy who had the balls to ditch a girl who had mustered up the courage to finally meet him after 6 years taking precious time that she only had with her family only once in a blue moon, he didn't have the balls to back up why he had done it.

I didn't wait for an explanation. I just walked away....in my new boots pounding the cold paved sidewalk.... I could see my own breath start to speed up, and I could feel the tears fighting their way past the back of my eyes like water ready to explode and break free from a dam.

I couldn't even secretly pretend it didn't happen, because my sis-in-law had seen it all a go down. I was being forced to face the bad music like being stuffed in a broken elevator where the music won't shut off.

And it would all end with a short and simple email of, "I'm sorry" from him which I promptly marked as junk. The deletion of the emails leading up followed quickly behind, and the "friendship" on Facebook was deleted..... as if it had never been there at all.

And she continued to live single-ly ever after.

Time

-circa- December 2010


Time. It is what we wear on our wrists. It is what we carry in our pockets.We spend it more freely than money, and how we spend it can greatly affect our lives. We are born rich with it. Time is free. Time is precious. Time is irreplaceable. Time doesn't last, and it goes on with or without us. Sometimes time can seem like a waste. And other times, time just flies by leaving us wishing for more.

I woke up this morning to the sound of my brother and his family heading to the airport. The time was 4:00 AM and in just a few hours time, I would be headed to SFO in that same car.

I was sad. This Christmas, time just flew by like an airplane with a message attached to the back in red block letters. You look up, and it is there, and you look up again, and it has flown over the horizon.

It was time for me to get up and get packed again. This time, I had planned ahead, bringing an empty bag to fill with all of my favorite things from home. I had time to head downstairs and make coffee. I didn't want to wake my family before it was time for the rest of them to get up. But I just wanted to make sure I had just a little more time to sip my coffee, in my house, near the tree, before it was time to leave.

I managed to be relatively on time this particular morning. Everything was packed, and after finishing up loose ends, I zipped my tightly packed bags, carried them downstairs, and said goodbye to my family. Again.

It was a very foggy morning. It reminded me of a time when I was younger, and foggy mornings meant heading to school, or interesting drives through the city. It made me think of how saying goodbye, every time, has equally gotten easier and more difficult. It is easy because I have done it many times, but more difficult, because time has made us all older, and the time I spend away, the moments I miss, I will never get back.

We reached the bridge, and this time, took a slightly different route. I looked outside at the grey waters which seemed incredibly calm. Groups of black birds floated on the surface, riding the gentle crests, bobbing up and down. They slowly floated away into the fog, and I wondered how much time they spent on that bay, and if they were cold, and if at some time, I had ever been a bird.

This time, the drive was silent. The radio had been stolen out of the car a long time ago, and it had never been replaced. There was no bubbly music to cover up the inevitable..... The feeling of knowing it was almost time to say goodbye loomed over me like the fog over the city.... It was heavy and thick, and it lacked color or excitement. It was just something I had to go through..... minus the headlights.

I spent a long time waiting to check-in. The line moved slowly, but time kept ticking. The security checkpoint took time, but a handsome TSA officer made the time in line much more bearable. By the time I made it through, it was already time to board.... But, in time, I would find out that we would not be departing on time.... We would wait on the plane an extra hour until it was ready to fly.

I was sitting in the window seat this time. I preferred aisle, but was thankful to have something to rest my head against when I finally did fall asleep. I opened the shade, and as I waited for our departure, I could still see home on the outside of the plane..... I decided to close the shade, close my eyes, and sleep until it was finally time for takeoff. Christmas had come to an end, and it was time to go back.

Time. It is broken up into an infinite number of moments, memories, struggles, and accomplishments. Time is the measure of night and day, and the constant metronome of life and our universe. Time is the rhythm of a dancer, time is the tempo of a song, and the beating of your heart. Time is truly a gift. And this Christmas, I am reminded that it is gift for which I will always be grateful.

Email O'Clock

There's a magical hour... where the emails start to pour in to our mailbox, and make our phones, laptops, and ipads make that little ringing noise.... For a moment, you imagine who it could be sending you an email.... and then you hope for who you'd like it to be.... and for a fleeting moment, you even further dream about what it might say. Then you actually pick up the phone, check your email and realize it's that catalogue where you ordered your long underwear sending you an exclusive offer with another purchase.... it is soon followed by other similar emails, that quickly head to spam town....

Should I DELETE CONTACT? I swear just having it on my iphone is slowly starting to drive me crazy. Should I tear up that business card? Just knowing that it is in my wallet is making me nervous!!! WHAT DOES IT ALL MEAN?? We are surrounded by bright signs, especially in Tokyo, cute mascots, clever commercials and advertisements, maps that can locate us via satellite..... These signs and maps tell us where we are, what to buy, how to feel...And yet, deciphering the simple nuances of human interaction can be completely and utterly impossible. When did living in a world where technology and communication is so easy did trying to understand people become so hard? I guess if Apple could figure out an upgrade, or app, or new device that would read minds, my love life, or lack thereof could be understood a little better!

He told me that he thought I had moved on to someone else. I told him that I lived in Japan. It's not that he was a default... Its just that between work, and life, and a huge language barrier, the odds are definitely not exactly in my favor. They say it takes two to tango. Well, this is true, but at some point, it does become blatantly obvious that the accordionist has gone home, the club is dark, and I am left standing alone in a fabulous tango dress with only the faint memory of a dance by the worn out wooden floor beneath my feet. You can't tango with someone who's not even there in the first place.

From what I could tell, the night went extremely well. Hands were held, darts were thrown, drinks were had, pictures were shared, dancing was danced, and the night ended as it should have (or well, should have if we wanted to get caught misbehaving downstairs by his roommate) And in the morning.... It was a rush for the door, a quick kiss goodbye, a very hungover walk to the train hoping to God that I had enough on my suica to get home....and the slight impression that I may not see him again for another three months if ever. Do I really want to be that girl? Not really. Do I have much of a choice? Kind of...

Several back and forth meaningless texts later inititated by the both of us, I have come to realize that my call of duty was his call of booty! I mean, i know North Korea ans South Korea are on the brink of war, but was he seiously falling off the face of my earth again?? He did wish me a Happy Thanksgiving via MMS. He hoped that my turkey was delicious. THANKS! What is THAT supposed to mean? Have a nice life, I'll call you in three more months and see if you will meet up with me again? Or does it just mean that he really wishes me a great Thanksgiving, and that my turkey is delicious?. Well, it was.... And so was the stuffing, mashed potatoes, green bean casserole, and pumpkin pie. And you would had known that if you had made some sort of an effort to call and ask..... Malone, tango party of one?

Friday turned out to be a saucy night. A very soy saucy night. Moving on from the front lines with my top gun, I got my nails done in Ginza and headed out with the single ladies of work. We were bar hopping like rabbits.... We finally found a place to stay a while, and the crowd seemed fun. The DJ was playing all of my requests, and it turns out the owner was not only hot, but wanted to buy us free bevies. (shots, I would greatly regret the next morning) a group of friends we dancing beside us, and one thing led to another and I was talking to a very unexpected gut who was totally not my type. I was having a very Charlotte York/harry Goldenblatt moment and decided to go for it. He was funny.... Well dressed.....spoke perfect English.... And was singing all of the music at the top of his lungs.... (karaoke??) and it turns out, he has some relation to a very famous soy sauce company.... Converstaions were had, cards were exchanged, phone numbers were input, a night out to dinner was offered, and kisses were exchanged (not sure who initiated that....and it could have very well been me)

It's probably a good thing I didn't discuss my loathing of seafood....sushi, etc... And my rare need for soy sauce.

And now, the card and contact sit taking up space in my wallet and the memory of my phone slowly taunting me while the little devil on my shoulder keeps whispering, "he's never going to call ( sinister laugh)" and the little angel on the other side pleads for me to not even think those thoughts in the worry that the universe may listen....

The Fall

In the distance, I can hear the droning sound of the yaki mol truck slowly stalking the streets of urayasu-shi. It is a sound that has come to remind me of home, or of A home. It is also a sound that in the beginning of it all, slightly made me feel like a foreigner in a strange land... I didn't know what it meant.... I thought it was some sort of strange religious chant. Who knew it was just a guy trying to sell sweet potatoes?

The air is becomig crisp again, one of the four distinct seasons is beginning to show its face in the leaves and in the air and in the sky. It is fall in Japan, and I truly love this time of year. I think I have always loved it no matter where I have lived. I hiked Mt. takao this weekend amongst what seemed like the entire population of Japan. We all had come to see nature show its true colors. And while we were at it, grab an asahi and mochi on a stick on the way. Although a little early, some leaves had already begun their transformation while the majority of others remained green as if they were jealous of the colors of their unique neighbors.

It seems appropriate that things in my life would fall into place in the fall. It's like the leaves of my life are falling into a perfectly formed pile that doesn't need a rake. Its the perfect pile of leaves that you would want to just dive right into and toss up in the air in celebration. But even though certain aspects seem to be falling into place, it is inevitable that other aspects of my life are still clinging on like fall leaves that don't want to leave behind their branches..... They just can't let go.

In some sort of strange karmic challenge, two very unexpected people tried to make their way back into my life this weekend...on the same day. Maybe it is the fall season that makes people nostalgic? Maybe it is the chill in the air that makes people want to have someone around them? Maybe I am overanalyzing and it means nothing. Unfortunately for me, it isn't that easy. It completely threw me off, and now, once again, I find myself trying to have to forget about them all over again.

So as all of you change your clocks this weekend, I'll keep mine just as they are. Japan doesn't participate in daylight savings anyway. Instead of falling backwards, I am choosing to fall forwards. I will keep moving forward in the hopes to not let past mistakes work their way back into my life. Maybe instead, I'll set my clocks forward a few minutes.... live my life slightly in the future? Perhaps it will give me some perspective of what's to come..... Or maybe for once I will actually be on time and catch the bus instead of taking another taxi.....-M