Playback....

After my fourth glass of wine, I reached into my bag and grabbed my digital camera. The pressure from the change in altitude made my ears pop, but also aided in getting the buzz going…..I took my usual cocktail of benadryl and wine, and I looked out the window to my right and watched as the tarmac crew prepared the plane for take off. The attendants gossiped a little too loudly in the galley, and I realized that over hearing a conversation and being able to understand it would soon become a normality for me once again. Back to the camera. The mixed nuts arrived. The iPod played a song that recalled a memory that made me smile. I went to playback mode on my cybershot. I viewed each moment caught on my memory card in reverse order. I rewound my life for the past six months. I laughed aloud at some pictures, and wondered if the guy next to me wanted to look. To see it all in reverse…knowing all that I know…feeling all that I felt and am feeling now brought tears to my eyes. I blinked to clear the tears away knowing that it all had only occurred in what seemed like a moment.

The attendant tried to make idle conversation as I pulled out one earphone from my iPod. The lyrics accurately reflected my feelings and I tried to make small talk with her. I looked around and realized that there no longer was anyone to laugh with me. My friends were gone and lost to this big world. He was an hour ahead of me flying through the air that was to separate us. It was just me myself and I alone on an airbus taking me to a place that now seemed more foreign than the foreign country I had chosen to live in the past 8 years.

I again glanced out of the oval window beside me. I looked down upon a mattress of clouds that seemingly supported the air with which I flew. This was the same air with which he had flown. It was the same air that would reach my friends all over the world. It was the same air in which my family would await my return. It was the air that was bringing me back to a life that would force me to say goodbye to people places and things that were held so dearly in my memory.

After a deep breath and a glance to see whether the lavatory is occupied or not, I decided to close my computer and get some rest. The playback ran through my mind as I closed my eyes to see the ever-changing design on the back of my eyelids.

I hope I can get some sleep tonight…or today… or whatever…..it is time to dream again... -M