Insomnia

I am two days late in returning my rental car. Why is my brain so clouded? It can't be the residual vicodin I took last week? Maybe it is life facing me full on like a flasher that won't shut his trench coat? Maybe it is being unable to unwrap my heartstrings from a certain someone I know is not healthy for me. Or maybe it is how I screwed up my chance at the job I came here to get? D. All of the above.

I have never experienced insomnia. Usually my bed is like Tylenol PM… (unless...) But the last several nights have been so restless and sleepless. I can only wonder whether someone is trying to get me to rethink my choices. Right now, everything is so blurry. My brain is like a kaleidoscope that won't focus. It is a broken eight ball that is stuck on "it's complicated". Yet and in the midst of all of my confusion, comparatively speaking, I am one of the luckiest people I know.

Believing in the cliché "what's meant to be will be" means accepting where you are. So I must be in the right place, right? My usual mantra is beginning to sound more and more like a huge band-aid. I just want to close my eyes and rip that band-aid off quickly so the reality of my situation won't hurt so badly. Maybe facing it eye to eye will help me focus on what needs to happen next. How can I get that kaleidoscope to form a beautiful combination of colors and patterns that are clear and crisp?

Well, truthfully, I don't know how I am going to do what I want to do and I don't know how long it is going to take me. But I do know that down the road, I will never feel a sense of regret for not trying, even if I get a little distracted along the way. Besides, some distractions can be a lot of fun if you know what I mean….-M