Transition

As I sit alone, in an empty house, belonging to my friend, who was here when I needed him, the silence speaks loudly in my ears and resonates in my heart. The smell is familiar, the furniture colorful and comfortable. Memories of better times flash before my eyes like ghostly images come and gone. It has been a year and maybe 3 months since I decided to leave this house for New York. I didn't want to have any regret for not going. And now, I can only think of all the things I regret since moving there. They weigh heavily upon my shoulders, and I harbor a deep resentment for all the poor decisions I knowingly made. Like a beggar on a subway shaking his paper cup of change, I hold out my cup to the universe for the advice and guidance that I so greatly need. I want to turn it all around. I want to feel proud of myself again. I want my family and friends to be proud of me. And I do not want to be a burden to anyone.

While the pros and cons battle each other in my mind, I begin to feel the beating of my heart. With every beat, the what ifs, the whys, the hows, and the whens play a redundant and paralyzing message I cannot ignore. I won't ignore. It is time to listen to that little voice in my heart... the voice I have been ignoring for quite some time.

I give up. I surrender. I was unable to make it happen in New York. Whether I was actually capable or not, doesn't really matter anymore. What matters is that I have lost my happiness. I left a little at each audition that turned me away. I lost some as guys in my life came and went so quickly...I left some in each cocktail I served in the lat-night hours. I lost some with the sight of each and every homeless and needy person I could not help. I lost some to the three muggers who preyed upon me. I lost some when I realized how far my friends and family seemed to be. I really knew I had lost it, when even the sight of Broadway couldn't make me smile anymore.

It is time for smart decisions. It is time to make a change. It is time to find my smile again. I know I can, and I will. -M