Gasping for Air

Two nights have come and gone and I can now calmly say I have come to the next important decision in my journey.

It was my first night on the floor in the lounge. I would be cocktailing on my own for the first time. I scurried across 31st Ave at 6:30 to the place that decided to give me a chance... My dad had sent me a brand new wine key, the best of the best, for good luck and I had my 25th anniversary pen in hand to remind me how I got here. I was all set and I was feeling seriously sick to my stomach. How could I be so nervous to serve alcohol? I tried so hard to pretend I was back in A-616 hosting one of my parties...

The night began slow, as usual. I was on my own in the entire lounge because of 3 call-ins. I successfully managed my one table, carrying my tray, smiling, chatting, serving, using the computer, and actually having a bit of fun. It wasn't a big sparkly dress and a tiara, but it was something.

When midnight rolled around, all hell broke loose. I began to panic. Is it hot in here??? I was slammed with a full lounge and one table of 25 some-odd students all ordering individual drinks. I ran around from table to table trying to keep the orders straight in my head. I felt like I was choking and GASPING FOR AIR!!! The lounge was finally split between me and one other girl. My tables kept me on my toes. I barely had a chance to spit out the gum I had been chewing for the last 7 hours. After a few wrong inputs, and spillage on a patron, and a spiky heel dug into the top of my bare foot, I finished the night folding napkins and helping to count and divide tips. I left at 5:02 am in the pouring rain to run across the street to my bed that I so desired.
* * * * * * * * *
The next day, I returned to the familiar hostess desk. I couldn't deny I was slightly relieved to be in the protective hostess bubble again after my cocktailing debut. The night had an odd air about it. Whether it was the impending thunderstorms, or the fact that one of the owners was in one of his most fowl moods, I don't know. Even my partner could feel the tension in the air.... Our boss took over the desk unexpectedly, ordering us both to do various tasks... It was an odd Saturday. We made it through the majority of the night with few bumps....until 2 am came.

I was told by my GM to do one thing, and the owner to do another. A perfect example of "too many cooks in the kitchen". Trying to satisfy both, I asked the GM to take over my current task while I briefly did the other, and he agreed. When I returned to relieve him, I was greeted by the fowl owner who proceeded to "rip me a new one". As he yelled at me, I went inside my head and couldn't help but wonder, "What the f&^% am I doing in this stupid F&^%ing restaurant anyway?" I guess this is what you get from an "under-the-table/no break" job. All I could imagine were my amazing managers in the land of the rising sun who would never raise their voice, even in a confrontational situation. There was such an apparent lack of respect and it disgusted me. When he was through, I ran to the bathroom and began to cry. I felt as though I couldn't breathe...I was GASPING FOR AIR... and I looked at myself in the mirror and hated the Mandy I saw. I didn't hate the girl, I just hated the situation I had put her in... It was in that one moment of reflection, that I decided and promised that girl it was over. I would quit my job.

With one hour left, I finished my duties as the hostess extraordinaire with tears in my eyes, makeup on my cheeks, as the drunk Astorians stumbled out of the establishment.... . There really was no way to stop it at this point.... I cried as if my eyes needed to empty all the water from my body....
* * * * * * *
If New York were a person, it would be the bully that wouldn't leave you alone in grade school, but secretly had a crush on.... It would be the one cocktail that would drive you to the point of vomiting, but that you wanted so badly. It would be the dog that was so cute you insisted on petting it, but then bit your hand..... but as easy as it is to see it in these lights, I prefer to see New York as the mountain that takes a lot of courage and strength to climb, but when you do, the view from the top makes it all worth it in the end. I know I am going to get there, even if I am GASPING FOR AIR. -M