The Snow Flake

I woke up this morning from a very odd dream, as usual. I rolled out of bed, sore from yesterday's class and peered outside between my blinds to see Astoria covered in snow. Flakes continued to gently fall in every which direction just as you would see in a shaken snow globe. I was beginning to seriously debate leaving the house for any reason. But I knew that I had to go to class.

After breakfast and some morning news, I prepared for the day. I packed my bag with tap shoes, jazz shoes, water, my wallet, iPhone, and the usual necessities. I put on several layers and a scarf... along with Uggs and a long down coat with faux fur trim. I descended down the 3 flights of stairs from my apartment and headed to the subway. As I walked on the sidewalk, I noticed how beautifully the untouched snow glistened in the sun as it broke through the clouds. It was sad to me that the snow on the streets had to be so ugly and dirty....

I boarded the Manhattan bound R and sat in the Priority Seating. I didn't mean to sit there on purpose, but I had already made the move. So I sat, making sure no elderly or pregnant woman needed a seat. I wondered if the other passengers near me cared whether I sat there or not.... the further we rode, the less I cared actually.

I thought about how so many years ago I had begged my parents to let me take dance classes. I was already studying piano and swimming most of the year. I had tried soccer and hated it, I played co-ed basketball because I liked a boy on the team...and hated it. T-ball (hated it).... all I really wanted was to dance. I wanted to dance more than anything in the world. Somehow, I convinced my mom and dad to sign me up for a Saturday morning Tap class. Kids Tap 1. I couldn't wait!

My mom took me to the local dance supply store to buy me new tap shoes. They were patent leather flats... oh ya, with the grow grain ribbon....old school! We had the Teletone taps put on the shoes at our local shoe repair. I was fully decked out with my shiny tan tights and new tap shoes.... Every Saturday was like my heaven! I danced my heart out on a black and white checkered floor and eventually made it to the stage in my first ever dance number, Kool Kool Kitty.....

I laughed when I remembered my hot pink dance costume with black music notes. It was truly hideous, but at that age, anything with a sequin made my day. I wished that some of that youthful spirit would find its way back to me now in this cold city. Because I was seriously dreading tap class now that my face was frozen. I wasn't only dreading it for the cold, but I was dreading it because it had been 8 years since I had truly tapped. I dreaded it because I wasn't sure how I would handle the class. I dreaded it because I knew that this is what I had chosen for my life.... and whether I dreaded it or not, I HAD to commit to what I had come to New York to pursue.

How the next few years in New York play out, is completely up to me. And knowing that somehow makes the burden more severe. It's not as if I have a curriculum to follow.... certain things to study....days to attend class... auditions that I am welcome to attend.... No, I am completely in charge of how I spend each second of each day. And when you are not exactly sure how to accomplish the goals you are trying to achieve, developing your own curriculum can be confusing. It can make you feel just like one of those minuscule flakes in a shaken snow globe.

Where will I land in the city? Will I land in a place where I will be well preserved and sparkle in the sunlight? Or will I land in the streets only to turn brown and slushy and melt away into nothing? Well, we are not snowflakes, although seemingly just as beautiful and complicated and unique. We have the power to make life exactly what we want it to be. I know what I want. What do you want your life to be? -M