The air conditioner unit on the wall blew cold air on her left shoulder... as if a ghost had gently caressed it longing to feel the sensation of touch once again. Her apartment, still muggy with the transition to warmer and more humid weather, felt sticky all over. Although she was happy to ditch her winter clothes, she also dreaded exposing the weight that has been easily hidden all these months. Now she couldn't even hide it from herself anymore. She sat in her home....her apartment... her room... dark with only the kitchen light that created the gentle ambiance she so desired. Typing away on a laptop that had seen so many days and stories with her, she was ready to replace it as if none of it had ever existed...
She had finally taken some serious steps forward in terms of defining what her life meant in the dictionary in her head. And yet, the overwhelming loneliness couldn't help but cast a shadow on the great progress that had been made in her life. Comparatively speaking got old a long time ago when all she ever wanted was someone to be waiting for her... someone to love her.... someone to miss her.
It's the second full day that he didn't contact her. A million questions ran through her mind like an SAT exam on a Saturday morning in a cold classroom. Second guessing every single second guess, she came to the conclusion that it just wasn't meant to be. And even if he did eventually contact her, why would she ever want to wait that long again? And was it her impatience that was the culprit of her feelings or his disregard? And was it really HIM who she wanted? Or was it SOMEONE? She couldn't see beyond those questions even in her own mind. It was as if she was standing in a white room with white walls and no windows and only one door. The door was behind her... or was it in front of her? It depended on her perspective. In any case, there was only one option, and it was to walk through the door and keep going.
These feelings in her heart brought new meaning to "the grass is always greener". Sometimes it felt like not only was the grass greener, but it was perfectly manicured by the HOA, with a pretty house, a picket fence, a water feature, a small dog, 2.5 kids, a great husband, and her family and friends living close by her....
But for whatever reason, she ended up on her side of that picket fence. And in her mind, making conscious decision to accept it, she turned her back to that dog, the pretty house, the gardener, and everything it came with, to see what else she could eventually find on her side of the fence. After all, on this side, she didn't need a lawnmower. -M
Friday, May 7, 2010
Thursday, February 4, 2010
Blog Salad
Here are a series of unfinished, unpublished blogs in reverse chronological order.... I couldn't seem to finish them for whatever reason. Lately, my urge to write is strong, yet my ability to organize the feelings into words is completely non-existent. I feel like I am a shaken soda can that just needs to settle in order for all of this to become clear... So, setting the soda aside, grab a plate, a fork, and hit up the blog salad bar... all you can eat.
*
I find myself fighting the natural progression of "growing up". The funny thing is that I don't want to go back either. Why is that? I can very clearly remember being told to enjoy being young because it goes quickly. And now, I can actually relate to what those adults were trying to say to me... It's like everything around me is changing, and yet in my heart, I feel the same as I always have felt.... just with a lot more memories than before...
Life is funny. Not like funny "ha ha"... but funny as in interesting.... coincidental... ironic... complex.... scary....amazing.... beautiful. I feel the urge to write. And yet, the thoughts won't come together in my head. I feel so much right now. I feel so much all the time.
*
The Fever Talking
It is the day after Christmas.... what do some of you call it? Boxing Day? I sure feel like I have been in a boxing match! I had to work today, and about halfway through, a fever hit me like Mike Tyson and a TKO. Ouch.... symptoms galore, all I wanted was my bathtub....even if it was the perfect size for someone 3 ft tall. I may just be being punished for calling in to church... yep. I did. My friend invited me to Christmas Mass and I bailed on her... Do I feel guilty? Yes. I feel guilty about a lot of things. Which is precisely why I should have gone to church. But, I am just not a church-goer. How can I go to a place that feels so strongly about certain things being wrong, that I think are perfectly fine? I like to think that I am a pretty good person....not perfect by any means, but good.
OK... I digress... I didn't really want to get into a theological argument, I just wanted to write about the fact that another year has gone by... and this is the first year I didn't really feel like it was Christmas. I mean, I really tried! I listened to my Christmas mixes, I helped my parents put up their tree... I bought my treeless friend a tree... decorated cookies and gingerbread....and even made a turkey. But somehow, it still didn't feel right. I think the song, "I'll be home for Christmas" really hit me hard this year. I have spent almost 10 years trying to really figure out where home is.... and I still haven't been able to settle. Not because I don't want to, but because opportunities have come and gone... men have come and gone... friends have come and gone and I just haven't planted my roots.
*
I find today to be an appropriate time to reflect on every aspect of my life and how thankful I am to be living it. I know that gratitude should not only be felt on one day of the year, but on all. Admittedly, there are days where I forget just how lucky and blessed I truly am. Life certainly has a way of keeping you distracted! But, as I sit in my brother's house with my entire family watching the Macy's Parade, football, the smell of stuffing and turkey fill the room and evoke memories from all the years before. This tradition is very powerful. Happy Thanksgiving.
*
Don't Answer
(Like so many stories begin)
......It was one of those nights. Newly-single with a rebound looming....all around me. I found myself in a bar which shall remain nameless. We'll call it, Bar on Smith St. I was with two of my partners in crime, Eric and Peter. We had been drinking most of the night, as usual. It was an impromptu outing spawned by 5 dollar happy hour cocktails at a local Japanese Restaurant.... Our happy hour turned into happy night....
With more drinks, the boys grew tired, and I became increasingly curious of all the patrons around me. Like a wolf ready to pounce, my blurry eyes scanned the room for potential prey. The boys wanted to go, and I understood. I said goodbye and told them I would stay for another drink at the bar. ALONE.
Note: Do not try this at home. Staying out at bar by yourself is very dangerous and could lead to incredibly embarrassing or potentially dangerous situations.
But, the lonely "she-wolf" in me thought it seemed like a great idea. So, I did.
I found an open bar stool and sat down proudly knowing that someone would speak to me at any moment.... and even if they didn't, at least I'd have the bartender! And for those of you who know me well, I have a tendency to become good friends with bartenders.
I came to find out that there was huge party there from a local Law School. Talk about JACKPOT! I was surrounded by tons of lawyers-to-be! And one poor guy decided to strike up a convo with me! I'd like to tell you what he looked like, but honestly I don't remember. I'd like to tell you what we talked about, but again, I don't remember. But, I do remember him saying, "Wait, are you here ALONE?"
Yep. (Awkward) I am. I am here alone! And there was a tiny part of me that thought, maybe this wasn't such a great idea.
That was the guy to the left. We'll call him Don't Answer 1. Then, there was the guy to the right. He's Don't Answer 2. He was taller, and darker, but that's about all I remember. I remember him impressing me a little bit more than D.A.1. I was closing one eye, you know the trick, to try and see a clearer image of him. At that point, I should have acknowledged the fact that it was time to go home....
BUT NO! There was still the bartender! After D.A.1 and D.A.2 had long since left the bar, I continued to shut the place down while keeping Bartender company. We laughed, about what I can't recall, drank some more, as if I needed it, and he told me to wait for him. So I did.
I wasn't sure what I was waiting for. What exactly was I planning to do at 3 AM? Thank goodness he was a gentleman, and walked me home.
The next morning, I awoke with several missed calls from unrecognized phone numbers. There were voice mails that I'd soon rather forget. Images like a slide show began to flash in my head from the night before: Saying goodbye to Eric and Peter - Grabbing a seat at the bar - GnT - Some blond guy to my left and some irresponsible public displays of affection - Some brown haired guy to my right - A Bartender with gorgeous arms laughing and walking me home. Three guys, who saw me in some of my worst moments, who I vowed to NEVER see again if I could help it. I quickly labeled the unknown numbers as Don't Answer 1 and Don't Answer 2 in my address book.
Not one of my prouder moments.... But "To err is human...." Right Mr. Pope?
To this day, I receive many a late night call from Don't Answer 2. I think 1 got the hint. It is almost on the verge of stalker level. So if you can take anything away from this ridiculous story in the pages of my life, it's
1) Don't go out alone.
2) Don't write your number on bar napkins, and if you do, write a fake one, and if they try and call you to make sure you didn't write a fake one, say you have to go to the bathroom and get the hell out of there.
3)Don't let bartenders walk you home.
4)Don't let your friends let you stay out without them.
5)Don't drink. (Well, have a few, but know when to say when)
6) If you do accidentally give your number out without recollection, just label the person as DON'T ANSWER in your address book and DON'T ANSWER!!!!!!!
*
To put an exclamation point or not to put an exclamation point..... that is the question (mark).
Why is it that punctuation holds so much power?? When you think about it, each punctuation mark by its very name sounds like some sort of unspoken bodily function (colon, semi-colon, period, etc) and yet, when used properly, they can manipulate your readers in such ways that can completely change the way a message may be interpreted....
(12:00 AM-text) Hey.... just got home.... sure, I'd be happy to come to work early tomorrow. See you at 7.
-or-
(12:00 AM-text) Hey! just got home!!....sure, I'd be happy to come to work early tomorrow!! :) See you at 7!!! :D
A few well placed exclamation marks can lead your boss to believe that you work ethic is infallible and that you are this year's number one nominee for employee of the year. Adding in those clever "emoticons" which are really just combinations of colons, parentheses, hyphens, P's, D's, etc, can really take your message over the top allowing your reader to actually visualize and believe that you are smiling, laughing, crying, sending flowers, kissing or even sticking your tongue out as you write.... riiiiiiiiighhhhht.......
:) :-) :o) :D :( :'( ;) :0 :P <3 @--->--->---- :* You get the picture....or emoticon. !
This all crossed my mind yesterday as I was walking down Lexington Avenue and I received a text message from my employer. It was a text about changing my hours for the week, ultimately resulting in fewer hours. On one hand, I was annoyed at the last-minute text. On the other hand, I was excited to have an extra day off. I composed my reply several times before settling on how I would respond.
"That's fine. Whatever works best for you." (No...... feels like I don't care...)
"That's fine!!! Whatever works best for you!!!" (WOAH! Way to excited and eager)
"Sounds good to me! Whatever works for you!!) (UGH Sounds like I don't want to work anyway...)
...so I decided on....
"Sure!" (Perfect... less is more)
*
How was the salad? For some reason, I am still hungry! -M
*
I find myself fighting the natural progression of "growing up". The funny thing is that I don't want to go back either. Why is that? I can very clearly remember being told to enjoy being young because it goes quickly. And now, I can actually relate to what those adults were trying to say to me... It's like everything around me is changing, and yet in my heart, I feel the same as I always have felt.... just with a lot more memories than before...
Life is funny. Not like funny "ha ha"... but funny as in interesting.... coincidental... ironic... complex.... scary....amazing.... beautiful. I feel the urge to write. And yet, the thoughts won't come together in my head. I feel so much right now. I feel so much all the time.
*
The Fever Talking
It is the day after Christmas.... what do some of you call it? Boxing Day? I sure feel like I have been in a boxing match! I had to work today, and about halfway through, a fever hit me like Mike Tyson and a TKO. Ouch.... symptoms galore, all I wanted was my bathtub....even if it was the perfect size for someone 3 ft tall. I may just be being punished for calling in to church... yep. I did. My friend invited me to Christmas Mass and I bailed on her... Do I feel guilty? Yes. I feel guilty about a lot of things. Which is precisely why I should have gone to church. But, I am just not a church-goer. How can I go to a place that feels so strongly about certain things being wrong, that I think are perfectly fine? I like to think that I am a pretty good person....not perfect by any means, but good.
OK... I digress... I didn't really want to get into a theological argument, I just wanted to write about the fact that another year has gone by... and this is the first year I didn't really feel like it was Christmas. I mean, I really tried! I listened to my Christmas mixes, I helped my parents put up their tree... I bought my treeless friend a tree... decorated cookies and gingerbread....and even made a turkey. But somehow, it still didn't feel right. I think the song, "I'll be home for Christmas" really hit me hard this year. I have spent almost 10 years trying to really figure out where home is.... and I still haven't been able to settle. Not because I don't want to, but because opportunities have come and gone... men have come and gone... friends have come and gone and I just haven't planted my roots.
*
I find today to be an appropriate time to reflect on every aspect of my life and how thankful I am to be living it. I know that gratitude should not only be felt on one day of the year, but on all. Admittedly, there are days where I forget just how lucky and blessed I truly am. Life certainly has a way of keeping you distracted! But, as I sit in my brother's house with my entire family watching the Macy's Parade, football, the smell of stuffing and turkey fill the room and evoke memories from all the years before. This tradition is very powerful. Happy Thanksgiving.
*
Don't Answer
(Like so many stories begin)
......It was one of those nights. Newly-single with a rebound looming....all around me. I found myself in a bar which shall remain nameless. We'll call it, Bar on Smith St. I was with two of my partners in crime, Eric and Peter. We had been drinking most of the night, as usual. It was an impromptu outing spawned by 5 dollar happy hour cocktails at a local Japanese Restaurant.... Our happy hour turned into happy night....
With more drinks, the boys grew tired, and I became increasingly curious of all the patrons around me. Like a wolf ready to pounce, my blurry eyes scanned the room for potential prey. The boys wanted to go, and I understood. I said goodbye and told them I would stay for another drink at the bar. ALONE.
Note: Do not try this at home. Staying out at bar by yourself is very dangerous and could lead to incredibly embarrassing or potentially dangerous situations.
But, the lonely "she-wolf" in me thought it seemed like a great idea. So, I did.
I found an open bar stool and sat down proudly knowing that someone would speak to me at any moment.... and even if they didn't, at least I'd have the bartender! And for those of you who know me well, I have a tendency to become good friends with bartenders.
I came to find out that there was huge party there from a local Law School. Talk about JACKPOT! I was surrounded by tons of lawyers-to-be! And one poor guy decided to strike up a convo with me! I'd like to tell you what he looked like, but honestly I don't remember. I'd like to tell you what we talked about, but again, I don't remember. But, I do remember him saying, "Wait, are you here ALONE?"
Yep. (Awkward) I am. I am here alone! And there was a tiny part of me that thought, maybe this wasn't such a great idea.
That was the guy to the left. We'll call him Don't Answer 1. Then, there was the guy to the right. He's Don't Answer 2. He was taller, and darker, but that's about all I remember. I remember him impressing me a little bit more than D.A.1. I was closing one eye, you know the trick, to try and see a clearer image of him. At that point, I should have acknowledged the fact that it was time to go home....
BUT NO! There was still the bartender! After D.A.1 and D.A.2 had long since left the bar, I continued to shut the place down while keeping Bartender company. We laughed, about what I can't recall, drank some more, as if I needed it, and he told me to wait for him. So I did.
I wasn't sure what I was waiting for. What exactly was I planning to do at 3 AM? Thank goodness he was a gentleman, and walked me home.
The next morning, I awoke with several missed calls from unrecognized phone numbers. There were voice mails that I'd soon rather forget. Images like a slide show began to flash in my head from the night before: Saying goodbye to Eric and Peter - Grabbing a seat at the bar - GnT - Some blond guy to my left and some irresponsible public displays of affection - Some brown haired guy to my right - A Bartender with gorgeous arms laughing and walking me home. Three guys, who saw me in some of my worst moments, who I vowed to NEVER see again if I could help it. I quickly labeled the unknown numbers as Don't Answer 1 and Don't Answer 2 in my address book.
Not one of my prouder moments.... But "To err is human...." Right Mr. Pope?
To this day, I receive many a late night call from Don't Answer 2. I think 1 got the hint. It is almost on the verge of stalker level. So if you can take anything away from this ridiculous story in the pages of my life, it's
1) Don't go out alone.
2) Don't write your number on bar napkins, and if you do, write a fake one, and if they try and call you to make sure you didn't write a fake one, say you have to go to the bathroom and get the hell out of there.
3)Don't let bartenders walk you home.
4)Don't let your friends let you stay out without them.
5)Don't drink. (Well, have a few, but know when to say when)
6) If you do accidentally give your number out without recollection, just label the person as DON'T ANSWER in your address book and DON'T ANSWER!!!!!!!
*
To put an exclamation point or not to put an exclamation point..... that is the question (mark).
Why is it that punctuation holds so much power?? When you think about it, each punctuation mark by its very name sounds like some sort of unspoken bodily function (colon, semi-colon, period, etc) and yet, when used properly, they can manipulate your readers in such ways that can completely change the way a message may be interpreted....
(12:00 AM-text) Hey.... just got home.... sure, I'd be happy to come to work early tomorrow. See you at 7.
-or-
(12:00 AM-text) Hey! just got home!!....sure, I'd be happy to come to work early tomorrow!! :) See you at 7!!! :D
A few well placed exclamation marks can lead your boss to believe that you work ethic is infallible and that you are this year's number one nominee for employee of the year. Adding in those clever "emoticons" which are really just combinations of colons, parentheses, hyphens, P's, D's, etc, can really take your message over the top allowing your reader to actually visualize and believe that you are smiling, laughing, crying, sending flowers, kissing or even sticking your tongue out as you write.... riiiiiiiiighhhhht.......
:) :-) :o) :D :( :'( ;) :0 :P <3 @--->--->---- :* You get the picture....or emoticon. !
This all crossed my mind yesterday as I was walking down Lexington Avenue and I received a text message from my employer. It was a text about changing my hours for the week, ultimately resulting in fewer hours. On one hand, I was annoyed at the last-minute text. On the other hand, I was excited to have an extra day off. I composed my reply several times before settling on how I would respond.
"That's fine. Whatever works best for you." (No...... feels like I don't care...)
"That's fine!!! Whatever works best for you!!!" (WOAH! Way to excited and eager)
"Sounds good to me! Whatever works for you!!) (UGH Sounds like I don't want to work anyway...)
...so I decided on....
"Sure!" (Perfect... less is more)
*
How was the salad? For some reason, I am still hungry! -M
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Auld Lang Syne
I am so ready to say sayonara to 2009. And, I find it very fitting that I will be doing it back in Japan. Today is an extraordinarily windy day in Japan. It is as if the year wants to fly away quickly into the past....
If you read my blogs, then you know how this last year has been for me. It certainly wasn't one of my best years by any means. But it definitely was a huge stepping stone to where I am today. And comparatively speaking, even the worst of my problems could not hold a candle to what some people have experienced this last year. One of my little brother's best friends just passed away from his four and a half year battle with brain cancer. I will always remember Matt when I think my world is crumbling around me. I hope I can find half of the courage he had to face my own life's challenges.
I heard that it was Japanese custom to do a massive cleaning of your home as the New Year approaches. I decided to participate in this custom. As I was cleaning and listening to music I had purchased throughout this last year, I decided I would ride my bike down to the sea wall and physically let 2009 go by bringing something from that year with me and letting it go into the water. For some reason, even though I am so far removed from the events and people of this last year, it all weighs heavily on my shoulders still. I guess "auld acquaintance" sometimes can't be forgot...
So, as I prepare to say goodbye to last year and hello to a new one from the rooftops of the happiest place on earth, I will be reminded of the many years that have come and gone in my own life. I will remember the moments, good or bad, the lessons learned, the ones that I have loved, the ones who have caused me pain, the beautiful music that has touched me, the dances I have danced, the songs I have sung, the tears I have cried, the smiles and the laughter, and I will be happy. I will feel new again. This journey through life is such a beautiful blessing.
Should auld acquaintance be forgot,
And never brought to mind?
Should auld acquaintance be forgot,
And auld lang syne?
Happy New Year my friends. -M
If you read my blogs, then you know how this last year has been for me. It certainly wasn't one of my best years by any means. But it definitely was a huge stepping stone to where I am today. And comparatively speaking, even the worst of my problems could not hold a candle to what some people have experienced this last year. One of my little brother's best friends just passed away from his four and a half year battle with brain cancer. I will always remember Matt when I think my world is crumbling around me. I hope I can find half of the courage he had to face my own life's challenges.
I heard that it was Japanese custom to do a massive cleaning of your home as the New Year approaches. I decided to participate in this custom. As I was cleaning and listening to music I had purchased throughout this last year, I decided I would ride my bike down to the sea wall and physically let 2009 go by bringing something from that year with me and letting it go into the water. For some reason, even though I am so far removed from the events and people of this last year, it all weighs heavily on my shoulders still. I guess "auld acquaintance" sometimes can't be forgot...
So, as I prepare to say goodbye to last year and hello to a new one from the rooftops of the happiest place on earth, I will be reminded of the many years that have come and gone in my own life. I will remember the moments, good or bad, the lessons learned, the ones that I have loved, the ones who have caused me pain, the beautiful music that has touched me, the dances I have danced, the songs I have sung, the tears I have cried, the smiles and the laughter, and I will be happy. I will feel new again. This journey through life is such a beautiful blessing.
Should auld acquaintance be forgot,
And never brought to mind?
Should auld acquaintance be forgot,
And auld lang syne?
Happy New Year my friends. -M
Monday, November 2, 2009
Origami 折り紙
Lately, my brain has taken an incessant interest in replaying the last year and a half of my life. I am constantly thinking of the gamut of emotions and experiences that I have lived in this last year. I begin to wonder whether I really lived it at all. Surprised by the recollection and realization of my own memories, the more I think about them all, the further away they seem to be. The less like me they seem to be. And it seems like a life that I never actually lived, but more like a story I heard somewhere at some time in some place I cannot remember.
It may be the first time in my life where I actually can say that I have regret. I don't regret all of it, but there are definitely some aspects that I wouldn't mind erasing from my history. Wouldn't that be nice? I know "they" say you can always learn from your experiences.... good or bad.... But now I know the meaning of making mindless choices that do not teach me a thing.... do not contribute anything to my life... and those I would rather forget.... But... I guess, in a sense, even realizing this, I may have learned something.
As I move forward, I think about the path in front of me and forget about that bumpy diversion that lead me to a place called Nowhere. There is a familiarity about what I face and also an overwhelming sense of the unknown. I feel as if I have a fresh start.... I am a clean and crisp, brightly colored piece of origami paper ready to be folded and molded into a beautiful shape....a shape that defines something...a shape that can stand on its own...a shape that is delicate and beautiful while strong and long lasting. Even if unfolded, the tendency will be to return to what feels right... each piece fitting right back into place... on the path where I belong.
It seems only fitting to compare life, especially mine, to the art of origami. It is truly a treasure. The paper can tear or stain easily if not treated with the utmost care. With proper thought and attention, it can be folded into a beautiful shape. I am beginning to see how my life is taking shape. What shape will yours take? -M
It may be the first time in my life where I actually can say that I have regret. I don't regret all of it, but there are definitely some aspects that I wouldn't mind erasing from my history. Wouldn't that be nice? I know "they" say you can always learn from your experiences.... good or bad.... But now I know the meaning of making mindless choices that do not teach me a thing.... do not contribute anything to my life... and those I would rather forget.... But... I guess, in a sense, even realizing this, I may have learned something.
As I move forward, I think about the path in front of me and forget about that bumpy diversion that lead me to a place called Nowhere. There is a familiarity about what I face and also an overwhelming sense of the unknown. I feel as if I have a fresh start.... I am a clean and crisp, brightly colored piece of origami paper ready to be folded and molded into a beautiful shape....a shape that defines something...a shape that can stand on its own...a shape that is delicate and beautiful while strong and long lasting. Even if unfolded, the tendency will be to return to what feels right... each piece fitting right back into place... on the path where I belong.
It seems only fitting to compare life, especially mine, to the art of origami. It is truly a treasure. The paper can tear or stain easily if not treated with the utmost care. With proper thought and attention, it can be folded into a beautiful shape. I am beginning to see how my life is taking shape. What shape will yours take? -M
Monday, October 12, 2009
Wake Up Call
Good morning Mandy. This is life giving you your wake up call.....
Yep. It's been one of those mornings. I was going through all of my clothes trying to organize and pack. Yes. Packing again. As I shuffled through items in my closet that I haven't touched in months or in some cases, years, I decided to try a few on.... Bad idea. They don't fit. One piece after another, zippers won't zip, buttons won't close, and some are like a Houdini escape act to even try and take off again.
I want to live in my sweats because they are comfortable. I avoid wearing my jeans at all costs. And I dread the thought of shopping because I know it will force me to see what size I really am at the moment.
SH*T SH****T SH********************T! How did this happen?
Well, truthfully, I know exactly how it happened. I fully participated in the process of making it happen. With every sip of alcohol, every serving of chips, guacamole, and salsa, with every slice of cheese, with every excuse for why I shouldn't go to the gym, I have not only made myself feel uncomfortable in my own skin, but I have continued to put my health at risk. Oops.
I scratch my head. I wonder if it is too late? Can I turn it around? I mean, look at Madonna! I can have arms like that! If I vow to NEVER eat cheese or drink alcohol again, eat like a rabbit, and work out four hours a day, every day, for the rest of my life.
And then I begin to wonder, is it all in my head? I mean, I feel fat-er. I look fat-er (to myself). But how do others perceive me? Well, I suppose that depends on whose perspective it is coming from.... If you ask the obese WalMart shopper, she'll probably call me a skinny bi$%&. If you asked Tim Gunn, he would say I am way too fat for even a plus size model. If you ask my mom and my gay best friend, they would simply say that I am beautiful just the way I am.
Well, thanks Mom and thanks Jere, but I can honestly say that I kinda do want my arms to look like Madonna's. Maybe I can eat like a rabbit! Lettuce is good! And working out four hours a day could be great! I mean, especially if I have some good tunes to listen to.... And who needs cheese anyway! I mean, when you really think about what cheese actually is, it's kind of gross.
So here I go. I am throwing away the mantra of Scarlett O'Hara: "I'll think about that tomorrow". I have already thought too much about it today. It is time to do something about it! It is time to feel comfortable in my own skin again! It is time to get to the gym!
Ok, well maybe after lunch!-M
Yep. It's been one of those mornings. I was going through all of my clothes trying to organize and pack. Yes. Packing again. As I shuffled through items in my closet that I haven't touched in months or in some cases, years, I decided to try a few on.... Bad idea. They don't fit. One piece after another, zippers won't zip, buttons won't close, and some are like a Houdini escape act to even try and take off again.
I want to live in my sweats because they are comfortable. I avoid wearing my jeans at all costs. And I dread the thought of shopping because I know it will force me to see what size I really am at the moment.
SH*T SH****T SH********************T! How did this happen?
Well, truthfully, I know exactly how it happened. I fully participated in the process of making it happen. With every sip of alcohol, every serving of chips, guacamole, and salsa, with every slice of cheese, with every excuse for why I shouldn't go to the gym, I have not only made myself feel uncomfortable in my own skin, but I have continued to put my health at risk. Oops.
I scratch my head. I wonder if it is too late? Can I turn it around? I mean, look at Madonna! I can have arms like that! If I vow to NEVER eat cheese or drink alcohol again, eat like a rabbit, and work out four hours a day, every day, for the rest of my life.
And then I begin to wonder, is it all in my head? I mean, I feel fat-er. I look fat-er (to myself). But how do others perceive me? Well, I suppose that depends on whose perspective it is coming from.... If you ask the obese WalMart shopper, she'll probably call me a skinny bi$%&. If you asked Tim Gunn, he would say I am way too fat for even a plus size model. If you ask my mom and my gay best friend, they would simply say that I am beautiful just the way I am.
Well, thanks Mom and thanks Jere, but I can honestly say that I kinda do want my arms to look like Madonna's. Maybe I can eat like a rabbit! Lettuce is good! And working out four hours a day could be great! I mean, especially if I have some good tunes to listen to.... And who needs cheese anyway! I mean, when you really think about what cheese actually is, it's kind of gross.
So here I go. I am throwing away the mantra of Scarlett O'Hara: "I'll think about that tomorrow". I have already thought too much about it today. It is time to do something about it! It is time to feel comfortable in my own skin again! It is time to get to the gym!
Ok, well maybe after lunch!-M
Monday, September 21, 2009
Thanks and Goodbye.
Thanks 2R.
Thanks Albatross.
Thanks Taxis for accepting credit cards and Livery Cabs for always honking to see if I needed you.
Thanks 3 flights of dirty green stairs.
Thanks Steve.
Thanks orange tapas bar across the street for the weekend fights.
Thanks Cavo (sort of).
Thanks HSH, Italy, L.C., MDC1, MDC2, MDC3. Am I forgetting anyone?
Thanks wine.
Thanks street meat smell.
Thanks Starbucks.
Thanks Lotteries at Shows.
Thanks New Dance Group.
Thanks Brenden.
Thanks auditions with long waits and not getting kept or seen.
Thanks agents: especially the geriatric ones that have hospital beds and ask you to grab their meds and forgot they had an appointment with you (and who and where they are).
Thanks snow.
Thanks Diego.
Thanks Sunday Brunch at Film Center Cafe for unlimited bellinis in new glasses every time.
Thanks Hop Stop.
Thanks J.
Thanks Japas 55 for keeping my karaoke alive.
Thanks Laura Rose Photography.
Thanks delivery of any food at anytime.
Thank you India (for Alanis).
Thanks LaDuca: You made my legs look like a dream.
Thanks Backstage.com.
Thanks Rhodes.
Thanks Akai Sensei.
Thanks subway: You always got me where I needed to go; except on a Broadway Stage.
Thanks Beckie.
Thanks submissions.
Thanks TKTS.
Thanks PAX for some great salads that I can never finish on my own.
Thanks again taxis.
Thanks Gyu Kaku.
Thanks Eric.
Thanks Crunch Gym: especially for the pole dancing classes and the unique people that take them wearing clear stilettos.
Thanks Park Slope.
Thanks Thai Food: I may have eaten so much that I don't like you anymore.
Thanks Bryant Park and your green metal tables.
Thanks pigeons: You always seemed to fly right at me and then dodge me at the last second.
Thanks Brooklyn Bridge.
Thanks Today Show.
Thanks iPhone 3G: without you, I would have been lost here.
Thanks Cobble Hill.
Thanks Lucien.
Thanks Hudson River Park.
Thanks Blockheads: I will really miss your black flower margarita.
Thanks CD guys on the street.
Thanks 3 hooded muggers: hope you enjoy my purse, LV wallet, all of my makeup and brushes, pink sony cybershot, and my favorite Diesel Hat..hope you have girlfriends (they must be so proud).
Thanks Lady Liberty.
Thanks Nanny Play Dates.
Thanks voice lessons.
Thanks guys selling M&Ms.
Thanks Naked Men Singing: see it for yourself.
Thanks Central Park.
Thanks Kate.
Thanks NYSC.
Thanks West Village.
Thanks Bartenders: You know who you are.
Thanks faint smell of urine all the time.
Thanks REALLY LOUD sirens all the time.
Thanks iChat.
Thanks (oh my) Duane Reade.
Thanks 73 Columbia Street.
Thanks hottie on the 2: I should have introduced myself, but you're probably gay.
Thanks Hugh Jackman.....yep. THAT Hugh Jackman.
Thanks Bleecker Park.
Thanks Peter.
Thanks Mariachi on the train: You always made me hungry.
Thanks Don't Answer: 1 and 2: You always picked the best time to call.
Thanks stoops.
Thanks Woodstock.
Thanks window AC units.
Thanks radiators: I used to be so scared of you, but you kept me warm, so thanks.
Thanks Rite Aid Manager: You lent me your plunger in the nick of time!
Thanks American Apparel: love your deep neck V.
Thanks Bodegas.
Thanks BDC.
Thanks Don't Tell Mamma.
Thanks Bumble and Bumble.
Thanks Camp: you brought back some great memories with Uno and Connect Four.
Thanks WTC: I will never forget.
Thanks Tattoo Parlor on St. Marks: You made me a star!
Thank you for being a friend. (Just because)
Thanks Staten Island Ferry for being free and orange.
Thanks Uggs.
Thanks Sleepy's: for the rest of my life.
Thanks Curb Your Dog signs: even though people don't always pay attention.
Thanks Top of the Rock.
Thanks Random Burlesque Show.
Thanks Poland Spring.
Thanks non-existant train between BK and Queens.
Thanks Ella Boutique.
Thanks for honking: All the time. NY drivers should just have a permahonk.
Thanks Jere and Jaime. See you soon.
THANKS MOM AND DAD: I could not have done it without you.
Goodbye New York City!
Thanks Albatross.
Thanks Taxis for accepting credit cards and Livery Cabs for always honking to see if I needed you.
Thanks 3 flights of dirty green stairs.
Thanks Steve.
Thanks orange tapas bar across the street for the weekend fights.
Thanks Cavo (sort of).
Thanks HSH, Italy, L.C., MDC1, MDC2, MDC3. Am I forgetting anyone?
Thanks wine.
Thanks street meat smell.
Thanks Starbucks.
Thanks Lotteries at Shows.
Thanks New Dance Group.
Thanks Brenden.
Thanks auditions with long waits and not getting kept or seen.
Thanks agents: especially the geriatric ones that have hospital beds and ask you to grab their meds and forgot they had an appointment with you (and who and where they are).
Thanks snow.
Thanks Diego.
Thanks Sunday Brunch at Film Center Cafe for unlimited bellinis in new glasses every time.
Thanks Hop Stop.
Thanks J.
Thanks Japas 55 for keeping my karaoke alive.
Thanks Laura Rose Photography.
Thanks delivery of any food at anytime.
Thank you India (for Alanis).
Thanks LaDuca: You made my legs look like a dream.
Thanks Backstage.com.
Thanks Rhodes.
Thanks Akai Sensei.
Thanks subway: You always got me where I needed to go; except on a Broadway Stage.
Thanks Beckie.
Thanks submissions.
Thanks TKTS.
Thanks PAX for some great salads that I can never finish on my own.
Thanks again taxis.
Thanks Gyu Kaku.
Thanks Eric.
Thanks Crunch Gym: especially for the pole dancing classes and the unique people that take them wearing clear stilettos.
Thanks Park Slope.
Thanks Thai Food: I may have eaten so much that I don't like you anymore.
Thanks Bryant Park and your green metal tables.
Thanks pigeons: You always seemed to fly right at me and then dodge me at the last second.
Thanks Brooklyn Bridge.
Thanks Today Show.
Thanks iPhone 3G: without you, I would have been lost here.
Thanks Cobble Hill.
Thanks Lucien.
Thanks Hudson River Park.
Thanks Blockheads: I will really miss your black flower margarita.
Thanks CD guys on the street.
Thanks 3 hooded muggers: hope you enjoy my purse, LV wallet, all of my makeup and brushes, pink sony cybershot, and my favorite Diesel Hat..hope you have girlfriends (they must be so proud).
Thanks Lady Liberty.
Thanks Nanny Play Dates.
Thanks voice lessons.
Thanks guys selling M&Ms.
Thanks Naked Men Singing: see it for yourself.
Thanks Central Park.
Thanks Kate.
Thanks NYSC.
Thanks West Village.
Thanks Bartenders: You know who you are.
Thanks faint smell of urine all the time.
Thanks REALLY LOUD sirens all the time.
Thanks iChat.
Thanks (oh my) Duane Reade.
Thanks 73 Columbia Street.
Thanks hottie on the 2: I should have introduced myself, but you're probably gay.
Thanks Hugh Jackman.....yep. THAT Hugh Jackman.
Thanks Bleecker Park.
Thanks Peter.
Thanks Mariachi on the train: You always made me hungry.
Thanks Don't Answer: 1 and 2: You always picked the best time to call.
Thanks stoops.
Thanks Woodstock.
Thanks window AC units.
Thanks radiators: I used to be so scared of you, but you kept me warm, so thanks.
Thanks Rite Aid Manager: You lent me your plunger in the nick of time!
Thanks American Apparel: love your deep neck V.
Thanks Bodegas.
Thanks BDC.
Thanks Don't Tell Mamma.
Thanks Bumble and Bumble.
Thanks Camp: you brought back some great memories with Uno and Connect Four.
Thanks WTC: I will never forget.
Thanks Tattoo Parlor on St. Marks: You made me a star!
Thank you for being a friend. (Just because)
Thanks Staten Island Ferry for being free and orange.
Thanks Uggs.
Thanks Sleepy's: for the rest of my life.
Thanks Curb Your Dog signs: even though people don't always pay attention.
Thanks Top of the Rock.
Thanks Random Burlesque Show.
Thanks Poland Spring.
Thanks non-existant train between BK and Queens.
Thanks Ella Boutique.
Thanks for honking: All the time. NY drivers should just have a permahonk.
Thanks Jere and Jaime. See you soon.
THANKS MOM AND DAD: I could not have done it without you.
Goodbye New York City!
Saturday, September 19, 2009
Tales of Tequila and Times Square
Here I sit... on the last Saturday of summer.... MY last Saturday of summer in NYC.... in a Starbucks drinking a skinny vanilla latte that is making me sweat.... I need it because I had 3 margaritas at lunch alone in Times Square... and I need to be here so my phone can charge because I called everyone in my address book that would listen to me blab away this Saturday afternoon.... to perhaps not appear to be so alone.... And, I stalked Facebook until I had read every posting I remotely cared about reading twice...I had to interrupt the romantic couple to my right to plug in my charger...which only reminded me of the lack of romance in my own life at the moment....
A vendor sells cheap look-a-like handbags outside the window to tourists that pass by... the sidewalks, crowded with vacationers still manage to seem empty because they are all strangers to me. The BGM jazz seems to sedate me....or maybe it is a combination of the tequila and caffeine... and the thoughts running through my head about voluntarily leaving one of the most amazing cities in the world....
I migrate to Times Square. I sit at a round metal red table and an extremely uncomfortable chair...it's as if they don't want you to stay long... they encourage you to go.... Strange and unfamiliar languages are spoken around me... the masses migrate to see the lights that seem to fuel the city, but actually just repeat repetitive patterns that can be dimmed by the simple flick of a switch. Two Lady Libertys which are far-from-female beneath their green shrouds stand beside one another holding American flags, pose for pictures and pocket change atop of plastic crates.... I begin to wonder how many people may find me in the background of their photos... sitting, writing, and drinking coffee...-M
A vendor sells cheap look-a-like handbags outside the window to tourists that pass by... the sidewalks, crowded with vacationers still manage to seem empty because they are all strangers to me. The BGM jazz seems to sedate me....or maybe it is a combination of the tequila and caffeine... and the thoughts running through my head about voluntarily leaving one of the most amazing cities in the world....
I migrate to Times Square. I sit at a round metal red table and an extremely uncomfortable chair...it's as if they don't want you to stay long... they encourage you to go.... Strange and unfamiliar languages are spoken around me... the masses migrate to see the lights that seem to fuel the city, but actually just repeat repetitive patterns that can be dimmed by the simple flick of a switch. Two Lady Libertys which are far-from-female beneath their green shrouds stand beside one another holding American flags, pose for pictures and pocket change atop of plastic crates.... I begin to wonder how many people may find me in the background of their photos... sitting, writing, and drinking coffee...-M
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