Embracing Change

CHANGE…. it occurred to me that CHANGE is something we both crave and also fear. I am not talking about small CHANGE….splitting CHANGE, CHANGING a diaper, a CHANGE of clothes, CHANGING of the season, CHANGING the laundry over, etc. No, I am talking about the things that we must CHANGE in our lives that impact us long-term and form the people we are to become. CHANGE is the choices we make that affect the paths we choose. CHANGE is what ultimately makes us who we are. From the moment we are conceived we are constantly CHANGING. And as the CHANGES in our lives become less obvious or frequent, we become comfortable and complacent. So then, we find ourselves fearing CHANGE. Even when we crave CHANGE, we still fear the CHANGE that may bring a new view, new feeling, new emotion, new experience because it is unknown. As scared as I am of CHANGE, I realize that the excitement of the unknown is much more enticing than the monotony of predictability.

Being on the brink of CHANGE is almost as if being born again, but with all of the knowledge you have already attained. How many of you would kill for another chance to do exactly what you want to do? Well, with a little CHANGE, anything is possible. So my arms are wide-open ready to embrace the CHANGE that lies in front of me. Let's see what happens…..-M

How Big is Your....

...personal space???? My personal space was tested on my flight home a few days ago....

As I boarded my plane with the rest of the cattle in the economy class, I made my way down the aisle to 21 C. I had an AISLE seat! I hoped the two middle seats would remain empty, but when the attendant announced the "very full flight", I knew I would be sharing my row. I shoved my laptop and purse beneath the seat in front of me and patiently waited to put on my seat belt.

"Excuse me, I will be sitting next to you." I glanced up and saw a very large man. He was covered from neck to arms in tattoo and had piercings in his ears where I wasn't sure holes should be! I quickly hopped out of my seat to give him way. I sat back down, and he stood back up reaching around me to the overhead bin.... well, I now had an excellent view of the tattoo art on his backside... or shall we say plumber's behind?? I have nothing against tattoos, piercings, etc. In fact, there have been many-a-time when I have considered a small secret tattoo of my own, but I did know that being this close to this man was definitely making me uncomfortable, not for who he was, but because of my personal space.

I decided to make the most of my new neighbor. As dinner was served, I asked him what he had been doing in Tokyo. To my surprise, he was a tattoo artist. We had a lovely chat about his studio in San Francisco and his new studio in Tokyo. He told me that he was learning the traditional Japanese method from the best tattoo artist in the world who happened to be in Japan tattooing for the Yakuza. We discussed the stigmas against tattoos in Japan. And he even felt close enough to me to tell me about how the first time a Japanese woman saw him naked, she felt he looked clothed with all of the tattoos.... (Whether it was a closeness in proximity, or my constant ability to have people tell me their life stories, I don't know) We chatted over our gourmet airplane food, and I quickly finished off my second 5 dollar bottle of mini red wine. I was quite please that I had the chance to talk to this guy. We were seemingly the most unlikely pair of neighbors to chat away. I knew the 8 and a half hour flight wouldn't seem as long as I though it would, and that the disturbance in my personal space was slowly dissipating. Maybe my personal space wasn't so small after all?

I slowly reclined my seat the maximum two degrees and tried to go to bed. My neighbor did too. He began to stretch and digest his dinner, burping (loudly) and grunting, and snorting through his nasal passages. Maybe he had a cold. Maybe he had acid indigestion issues. I don't know. But HOW can you do that in public when sitting SO CLOSE to someone who clearly cannot move?...very far? I knew my personal space was still as small as it had been before getting to know my new friend. So, I faced the precious free space of the aisle, turned my iPod up loudly, and prayed for sleep.... how I miss business class..... -M

Regret....

Ahhhh regret. By definition:
re·gret /rɪ--grɛt/
–verb (used with object)
1. to feel sorrow or remorse for (an act, fault, disappointment, etc.) - dictionary.com

Have you ever truly regretted something in your life? I often ask myself this question.... There are definitely moments in my life where regret floated above my head like a dark cloud. But, regret is really just not taking responsibility for our actions. I know I am not perfect. I am bound to do things that I never imagined doing. But to throw it all away to regret and not learn from why we make the decisions we do is just cowardice. So, now as I find that dark cloud looming above my head, I try my best to remember a little something about regret.....

"Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time; it is regret for the things we did not do that is inconsolable." - Sydney Smith

-M

California Burning....

A few nights ago, I fell asleep with the tv on in my room. I awoke around 3:30 out of a deep sleep and glanced at the tv screen. To my surprise, the headline on CNN read "Rancho Bernardo, San Diego in Flames"..... and my heart began to pound.

Years ago, I was in Japan when my sister bought her first home. It was nestled in a beautiful community called Rancho Bernardo, California. She had spent much of her adult life in San Diego making her place as a labor and delivery nurse and now it truly would become her home. As a little sister, I couldn't have been more proud of her. An ocean away, I looked at pictures of her big move, her exciting change, her beautiful home.

As I woke up out of my sleep, I ran to the computer to try and contact my family. My parents and little brother and his wife were all in San Diego for the weekend to participate in the American Cancer Society's Making Strides Against Breast Cancer walk in San Diego. Sure enough, they all had evacuated to Orange County, along with my middle brother and his fiance who also reside in San Diego. I was so relieved to know that everyone was safe. But the sinking feeling in my heart was overwhelming. I couldn't imagine the stress my family was experiencing. I imagined the thousands of people displaced. I wondered how they could deal with not knowing whether their homes were gone.... I thought about all of the animals.... I thought about the children who might be so scared and the elderly people who needed assistance....I thought about the many amazing memories I had with my sister in her house.... and I wanted to cry.

Living in Japan, I have experienced our nation and world's worst disasters through the tv screen. In 2001, I watched the World Trade Center attack live on CNN. I watched the terrible tsunami in 2004 in Southeast Asia. I watched as Hurricane Katrina approached and destroyed the Gulf Coast in 2005. In each instance, feeling so helpless, I cried for the loss of those I had never met. In all of these moments, I had never felt so far away from home and from my family.

As I sit at my desk, watching California burn, writing this blah-g, I realize YET AGAIN just how far away from home I really am. It becomes quite clear just how important family and friends are to me. I recognize that people's lives can change in an instant. I realize I don't want to feel so far away anymore........

My heart goes out to my sister and my brother as they wait for news on their homes. My thoughts and prayers are with all of the people affected by the California Wildfires.... I wish I could be home to help. -M

Forever 21

As I finish a glass of red, I begin to ponder some words that were said to me tonight..... "Tonight I joined the land of the old people...." (This person celebrated their 22nd birthday) I snickered at the words knowing that this young girl considered herself OLD. Being nearly 7 years older than her, I surely did not consider myself "in the land of the old people". It is amazing how a number can define somethings to some people. The higher the number on a price tag might mean a better, more fashionable item to some.... while a lesser age might mean a better life or happier, more enjoyable existence.... There was a time when I, too, celebrated my 22nd birthday. Soon, I will celebrate my 29th. If asked if I wanted to go back, to have all those years back, I would say no. Because truthfully, the knowledge and experience I have gained over those seven years have been more valuable to me than any number could ever be.... Some people wish to be "forever 21" and I just wish to forever be..... for however long that may be..... and trust me... I am still having just as much fun.... -M

Time Flies and Friends Come and Go....

Why is it that the older I become the faster time seems to fly? I swear in grammar school I would pray for the last day of school....or for Christmas morning....or for my birthday... and no matter how I occupied my time, my favorite days of the year were still so far away and time seemed to be moving at a snail's pace.

Now, I find myself nearing my birthday yet again.... I find myself saying goodbye to another cast....I find myself seeing summer slowly fade away. Living in Japan and seeing people come and go with time is incredibly difficult for me. In the last seven years, I have met some of the most amazing people in my life and now they are all spread out all over the world and I wonder when or if I will ever see them again! If I could build a suburb with houses for all of these people...with a school for all of our kids....with a country club exclusively for all of us where the wine and beer flow freely and conveniently there is an onsen open 24 hours....with a grocery store with all of our favorite American and Japanese treats.... with a Saizeria....and a Taco Bell....and a Hub (for Brian hahha)...and an Oriental Karaoke.... with a train system that takes us anywhere and taxis that are free for the taking and bikes in any color we choose... I think I could safely say that would definitely be my heaven.

I love you all and miss you dearly. Wherever you may be, I hope this blah-g finds you in good health and living a life that makes you truly happy.

Love your crazy karaoke-ing friend, Mandy Malone

-M

Ten Years Ago...

Ten years ago I was busily preparing to say goodbye to my hometown, my closest friends, my boyfriend, the house of my childhood, and my family. I would leave the swim team I had participated in for 12 years, the dance studio which had become like my second home, the familiar roads, stores, bike trail, Mt. Diablo, and so much more. But, all of those memories would carry me to my new adventure. I had just graduated from Acalanes High School and was on my way to Newport Beach, California to attend the University of California, Irvine as a double major in Biology and Dance. I would be the next doctor who performed both in the hospital and on the Broadway stage!

I never would have imagined what was to come of the next ten years. If a fortune teller would have told me I'd move to New York for a Musical Theater program, quit biology, and dedicate my life to theater and dance, I MAY have believed her. If she had also mentioned things were to end between me and my high school sweetheart, I might have questioned her abilities. If she would have continued to say that I would leave school altogether to move to Japan, work for Disney, and marry a musician, I would have asked for my money back.....

We cannot predict the future, nor can we change our past. It is a part of who we are and who we are to become. I am so proud of all I have accomplished and experienced in the last ten years. It may be quite different than what I had originally hoped for ten years ago, but it only makes me excited to see where the next ten years will take me!....Although, I will try not to hope for too much. I found out things never turn out the way we think they will.... -M

Oops I Did It Again.....

We all have those moments.... you know... the ones in life where you think to yourself, "Did I really just do that?" "Did I really just say that to him (or her)?" "Did I really just trip in front of them?" "Did I really just ask about the girlfriend that they just broke up with?" "Did I seriously just spill my entire glass of wine on myself in front of everyone?" Need I say more? We find ourselves in these precarious situations, some more often than not, and yet we still manage to repeat the same mistakes over and over again in social situations. You know.... the ones that drive us to eat extreme amounts of cheese or chocolate.... or lead us to tear-stained pillows or late night phone calls to our best friends... I wish I could say that my life was free of these inconvenient embarassments, but it is actually full of them! I find that in retrospect, these moments give me more strength in the end. I am capable of taking full responsibility for all of my actions... even when wine is involved. ;) And, ultimately, it is not what others think of us, but what we think of ourselves that matters the most....right??? -M

"Oh what a tangled (World Wide) Web we weave...."

If only Sir Walter Scott had lived to see the day of the truly tangled World Wide Web. If it gives me something to write about, you can only imagine what it might have provoked him to write.

It occurred to me the other night as was drifting into dreamland that we not only have to consider the mark we put on the world, but also the mark we put on the world wide web. We have no capacity to censor what others may put on the internet about us. Similarly, most things we post on the internet are free for the taking. The age of the internet has brought the world closer to us, and us to the world. For all I know, Brad Pitt has surfed my MYSPACE.... one can only hope right?

Given that a small part of our lives is displayed for public viewing, be it on YouTube, Myspace, .Mac, or whatever social networking sight of choice, I can only feel like a bit of a celebrity myself. (no autographs please) With well over 1000 hits to my blog and over 2,200 hits to my MYSPACE since December (when I signed up), I only hope that the impressions I have made are positive ones...

So, ultimately with the digital age, it is imperative to be aware of what we deem internet-worthy. And of course, we all have those moments in life we would rather forget. So, pray your friends delete those unfortunate digital pictures... you never know when they may end up on the world wide web...-M

Little Old Lady

Finally, it was my day off. This week had been long, but of course, it was no longer than any other. I knew that this weekend needed to be different. It needed something new. There was no way I could sit at my computer or confine myself in my room. I really needed out. I decided a bit of fresh air would do me some good.

A walk was the perfect idea. After all, the sun was out and the winter's chill had long since left us. I began walking. Plugged in to my iPod, I related to the lyrics and considered the songs one after another in my own context of life. It was great to have some fresh air.

As I continued on, I noticed a little old lady coming towards me. She was walking as well, but time and life had certainly taken its toll on her body. She was hunched over and walking with hands clasped behind her. She was very petite and I wondered if years before she had once been taller? She walked very slow, in small shuffling steps, but nonetheless with direction. I wondered if she was someone's mother, grandmother, or sister? Where was she going? Or, was she simply taking a walk for some fresh air just as I was?

We passed each other and it occurred to me that my bike was still parked at work. I knew it was the perfect weather to continue on, pick up my bike, and ride it all the way back home. When I reached my bike, I placed my things in the basket, turned up my iPod and headed home. I had completely forgotten about that little old lady. But, as I rode my bike, I saw the very same woman continuing towards me. I had covered almost my entire trip to and from work before she had even made it home. I realized how lucky I was to be in good health. I realized how lucky she was to be able to walk and enjoy life. Then I considered the reason why fate had brought us together again.

We go through life surrounded by strangers. Each individual with their own path is surrounded by strangers themselves. However, on occasion, you notice someone, or something. A bird perched outside your window all day sings to you as you clean your house. A bug sits beside you at the bus stop happily shaded from the sun. A baby smiles at you from her mother's lap on the train. A little old lady walks beside you on your quest for fresh air. I have always considered the reasons why we notice some things as opposed to others. Why do some people become a part of our life and make a mark on our memory while others just fade away into their own journeys?

We can never know why certain people places or things impact our life or our memories, but I am content to know that they hold a small or a big place in my life's journey. And perhaps even I hold a place in the memories and journeys of others..... -M

Spring Cleaning

Spring has arrived and despite the fickle weather, I am inspired! The cherry blossoms have come and gone and April showers are bringing out beautiful flowers. My life could also use a bit o' spring..... spring cleaning that is! It is really amazing how things can pile up in a matter of 7 months in a studio apartment. Do I really need to save that bus ticket from my trip to Hokkaido? Will I really wear that shirt I HAD TO HAVE 3 years ago that still has the price tag on it? Let's face it: probably not.

Similarly, my computer is chuck full of music and pictures and movies that are taking up precious space and speed. My computer is more of a mess than my closets! Ironically, it is supposed to make my life easier! So it is time to organize those iTunes, delete those unwanted photos that no one should ever see and use my external drive the way it was meant to be used!

Lastly, spring has inspired me to get my life on track as well. (This is not only because bikini season is around the corner) I want to stay on top of my business, exercise, diet, and social life! I need to find a balance among all of the things that are important to me and make me happy......This is really beginning to sound like those New Year's resolutions I made several months ago..... oops...... Well, as I said before, there is always tomorrow!

So pour yourself a glass (for me it would be red wine) raise it up, and make a toast to spring! May it inspire us all to begin anew, plant some flowers, pay taxes, get rid of piles, lose weight, dust under the bed, and smile! -M

Turbulence

Please fasten your seatbelt as we expect some turbulence on our decent.

It was a rough landing to say the least. As I squeezed my friend's hand and closed my eyes, I once again realized I placed my life in the hands of a pilot I had never met.

Every time I get on a plane, I wander down the aisle to find my seat. I shove my things beneath the seat in front of me, fasten my seatbelt, and wait for take off. I grab the free magazine in the seatback pocket and pretend that it is interesting to me. I read it just long enough to distract me from the takeoff process; the defiance of gravity. I find the crossword or the sudoku that some previous passenger had attempted to solve and imagine what he or she might have been like. I find the map of the world and look up my destination and also consider which other corner of the world I may like to visit someday. I dare not read the safety instruction card for fear of jinxing the flight. My friend, however, picks up the safety information and laughs at the animation. I quickly realize how my silly supserstitions can cause my imagination to get the best of me. I sit back, relax, and enjoy my flight.

Ladies and Gentlemen, the captain has turned off the fasten your seat belt sign.

We landed safely. It was an amazing trip, as usual. Will the few moments of turbulence that ignited fear prevent me from flying ever again? No. How can I ever see what I want to see or do what I want to do without taking a chance to get there? Enough said..... -M

Today....

...I will wake up. I will have coffee. I will take a shower and brush my teeth. I will wash my clothes. I will clean the house. I will write a thank you note. I will check my email. I will water my plants. I will open the window. I will take out my trash. I will recycle. I will ride my bike. I will buy some groceries. I will think about my friends. I will miss my family. I will try and excercise. I will question what tomorrow may bring. I will hear music. I will smile. I will eat. I will worry. I will think. I may cry. I will laugh. I will live.... -M

Un Ami ou Un Amour

"Men and women can't be friends because the sex part always gets in the way." -When Harry Met Sally

CAN men and women just be friends? Lately, my experience with this situation has been a little too close to home. Let's face it. Most of my friends really ARE men, but they are also GAY. Sure! I have straight male friends as well. But now that I think about it, even when the relationship seems purely platonic, I always have the tiny thought in the back of my mind, "What if..."! A great romantic relationship is one that has a strong foundation of friendship....so it is easy for me for me to consider, if only for a moment, what my friends may be like in another "context". Crossing the boundary of friendship and love is definitely a danger zone! Ironically, the very friendship that may make your relationship so great could easily be destroyed if lines are crossed. I wouldn't consider myself a risk-taker. But, when it comes to love, I am willing to take a chance....even if it is my friend.

Have I answered my question? Well, truthfully, I think that it depends on the person. I know that I CAN and WANT to have male friends: gay and straight. Often when I need advice, it is so great to get a man's perspective. And, I hate to break it to you ladies, but men are less dramatic. (I am NOT excluding myself from the dramatic category!) I think the key is to have have ultimate faith in the friendship above all. Secondly, I leave my future to fate. I am confident that what is meant to be will be.... so if I persue something with a friend that doesn't work out, no one is to blame except for fate. So, here I am fate... ready and willing to see who will sweep me off my feet. -M

i Want That

i head off to work amidst a sea of people plugged into white earphones. i reach into my pocket and touch the click wheel on my new video iPod and scroll to find my favorite song. i realize i am fully willing to participate in the iERA.... i am the proud owner of my third iPod since their intoroduction in 2001 (and wanting to purchase my fourth) and my fourth apple laptop. iTunes has completely taken over my computer with songs, tv shows, and movies which conveniently update to my iPod with a mere cable to my computer. iWeb has fully enabled me to design a webpage through .Mac in order to keep friends and family updated on my life in Tokyo. Should I mention iPhoto, iMovie, and iDVD? I have created several wedding slideshows for friends and family that have really tempted me to purchase high quality cameras in order to get more creative with video and photo editing. Call my crazy, but call my on my new iPhone in JUNE! I cannot wait to purchase Apple's newest product to fall from their tree. The iPhone will completely replace each portable device in my gorgeous handbag and combine them into one. If i haven't convinced you to run to your nearest apple store to buy iSOMETHING, then I urge you to atleast window shop. i know you will enjoy the view. -M

The Truth Hurts, and Is Also Hard to Tell....

I feel as though I have gone through life knowing that honesty is always the best policy. This notion has been so ingrained in my head that I have become afraid of even telling the smallest white lie. But, even with my fear of lying, I am certainly capable of making it happen....with a huge guilt trip to follow.... But I often wonder why we lie? Do we lie merely to protect ourselves? Avoid confrontation? Forget embarrassing moments? To exclude others? Whatever the reason, it is amazing how transparent a lie can be! The feeling of knowing you have been lied to really hurts. Not only have you been deceived, but, you know you have been deceived on purpose. The truth is, nothing hurts more than a lie..... and I am learning that I must surround myself with people who are comfortable in telling the truth.....because without that, there is nothing.-M

The "Joy" of Singlehood

Personally speaking, I have been out of the dating scene for quite some time....maybe 5 years or so? But now that I am diving head first into the sea that is supposedly full of fish.....I am realizing that this supposed vast ocean has seemingly gotten smaller. I am realizing that attention is a slippery slope when you may be feeling lonely after a few drinks....and that needing attention and truly having an interest in someone can be easily mistaken. I am realizing that even when you think you know someone, you really have no clue. I am realizing that the comparison game can be a very painful way to bring an amazing spirit to a darker place. I am realizing that I am scared to be vulnerable to someone who may break my heart. But ultimately, I realize that even in the midst of all these conclusions, I still hope to find that one person that someday, will complete my life in a way that even I could never have imagined. -M

"Save the Cheerleader, Save the World"

Thanks to iTunes, I have been able to purchase the first season of Heroes. I was introduced to the show by some friends here, and immediately got hooked. Sure...there are the occasional bad lines and deliveries, but the show really appeals to me! (and not only because of the infused Japan references) I love the idea of having some sort of "special" gift or power. It got me thinking.... if I were to have a special power, what would I want? Do I already have one? I would love to have that 6th sense.... the ability to see the world for more than just the "physical". Perhaps I got a small taste of that after Grandma died earlier this month. I have dreampt about her twice since she passed away, and maybe....just maybe.... she actually came to visit me. One of the dreams was extremely vivid. It was her memorial service in church and I was sitting in the front. I was not alone.... Grandma was sitting beside me, chatting away as usual! BUT, I was the only one who could see and hear her! I became upset because I realized that it was her spirit sitting with me. The priest asked me if Angela Lovelace was present, and I said, "Yes!" He immediately looked at me and said, "We have to let her go....." and then in an instant, she vansihed and I felt her spirit had moved on to Heaven. I don't know if I have the 6th sense.... I am STILL waiting to see a ghost in my waking life.....but I do know that I was special enough to have Grandma come for a brief visit in my dreams.... to help me deal with letting go..... and that is definitely good enough for me! -M

2007: The Year of the Boar

Welcome to 2007 everyone.... I celebrated yet another countdown to the new year in Tokyo. 2006 has definitely been a year to remember. I made some significant changes that at one time in my life seemed impossible to confront. I traveled to places I never knew I would see in my lifetime. I experienced the loss of a loved one. I drove across the United States in my beloved Beetle Convertible! I closed the door on something that haunted me for years. I have pondered the usual resolutions...which of course will always start TOMORROW. However the most important thing to me is knowing that I am completely content with my life. I am truly happy. I simply cannot think of a better way to enter a new year....-M