I don't know what it is about flying that makes me so pensive.... There is an inherent juxtaposition of emotions. Inevitably, you are always leaving something behind, but simultaneously, something also is awaiting you... It's almost as if the time in-between is a portal of thoughts, feelings, and emotions suspended in the air and supporting the aluminum wings of the plane.... You look outside the small windows and see the world slowly pass below the belly of the plane and realize once again that life will continue to go on whether you are there or not....
It was a particularly rainy trip to London this time. The rain welcomed me as I dragged my overpacked luggage from the train station to the taxi queue. The riots had calmed down, but not knowing for sure made me second guess every hooded-sweatshirt person I saw, gripping my luggage especially strong this time around.
I would return to the same hotel once again, hoping to see those familiar faces. For being far away from home, it certainly had become a place I could feel comfortable.... I had no idea what was awaiting me this trip, but now looking back, I wonder if I had the chance, would I have changed the way this week had played out? That is the question....
His name was James, and we met in the lobby lounge of the hotel. Introduced over drinks with friends, I immediately was intrigued. Maybe it was his perfect hair, or adorably perfect eyelashes, but in any case, I had had enough Peroni to muster up the courage to speak with him.
It's been a very long time since I had dated anyone, and the last time I tried, it really didn't end up well. I wouldn't consider myself someone who gives up, or becomes jaded, but I was really starting to wonder if it would ever happen for me again....
If all you had was three days, would YOU pursue it? Well, when you ask at the beginning of the three days, three days can seem like an eternity of possibilities.... But when you ask at the end of the three days, it seems like such a finite amount of time that was fun while it lasted....
We spent those three days with each other.... And my heart saw such possibilities. I found myself believing again that I am worthy of love (which ironically is the meaning of my name). James had the power to show me that I am desirable... The whole experience had the power to show me how much I want to share my life with someone, and to never give up in believing that it will happen for me someday. And for 3 days and a guy named James, I'd say that is pretty powerful.
I tried to enjoy every minute I did have with him... And I was amazed at how this feeling of excitement and wanting to love again made me feel.... I was floating on air...walking on sunshine amidst the rainy London sky.... I fell for him very quickly... And I blame it not on naiveté, but an eternal optimism and belief in love. And as quickly as I fell, the 3 days were over. I was left saying goodbye to someone I barely knew and yet felt as though I had known already for ages.... A small part of me fantasized that he would chase me to the airport and beg me not to go.... But this wasn't Hollywood.... It was London, and the 3 days were gone, just like James.
It takes a lot to make someone believe in something. And if 3 days and James could make me believe in myself, believe in love, and believe that it is waiting for me, then I am forever indebted to him.... I can't help but feel like it was meant to be.... I believe that, and I have no regrets, even though when I think of him, I feel a small pain in my heart.... But it has left a wide open place for 3 more days....and perhaps even the rest of my life. -M
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
Single-ly Ever After
Circa December 2010
Once upon a time, there was a thirty something singleton maiden who longed for a prince...... Oh, hell... This chapter of my love life is so far away from a fairytale that even I cannot pretend to write it that way.
It was a moment in my life that I'd rather soon forget, but instead, I will write about it to rise above the utter a-holeness of the whole thing. The only way to look at this experience is to laugh and guffaw and the ridiculousness of some people's blatant lack of respect for anyone..... And hope that karma is truly the bitch we claim she is, and that she will come calling in some way, shape or form to his life.
The backstory? This is nearly six years ago, mind you...Well, as most bad dating experiences start, I had joined match, and decided that I wouldn't search, but see who peruses my profile. Low and behold, a nice looking guy from my college town gives me a hit, and I email him.
Enter 6 years of short email communications, failed attempts at meeting one another, and some unknown number of Facebook pokes which of course were initiated by him, and obviously didn't mean anything more than a click of a mouse.
Fast forward to the present, and the impending a-hole experience that I could really have done without. Both home for Christmas vacation, we decide to meet up.
The next series of events should have clued me in, but the hopeful singleton maiden in me couldn't let go of the hope that this could be the one that would save me. Little did I know that he would actually swoop me up, throw me off the horse and sell my location to the non-existent wicked witch.
Date was set. Place an location determined by me, but official request by him. THEN he asked if he could bring his brother. A few hours later, he would be wine tasting prior to the date.....then he was running late..... Then he was running even later.... Then he asked if I would meet him and his brother at their hotel room. YES I said hotel room. THEN he said no..... Then he asked if we could pick them up..... And he changed the location. I was flexible. Maybe too flexible, and for a dancer who has barely ever achieved splits in her life, this was really going above and beyond for the faint glimmer of hope.
His resume? Late twenty something early thirty something. AGE RANGE CHECK! Attending USC for Masters in Business EDUCATED CHECK! Already owns his own business JOB CHECK!! Loves to visit family in the bay area where he grew up. FAMILY GUY CHECK and BONUS: FROM BAY AREA
So, emails came.... "I'm so excited to meet you" "I feel like I've known you forever" little did I know it would all end with "I'm sorry"
I won't bore you with any of the awkward details.... He seemed nice, looked just like his photos..... Had a few extra s's in his speech which were questionable.... His brother looked young, and acted young.... But seemed nice.
My prego sis-in-law had joined up for a water on the rocks and splash of moral support. She didn't know what she was in for, and obviously neither did I, or we would still be at home with the family, eating peppermint ice cream and listening to pandora.
They didn't like the bar.... They said it was an older crowd.... We decided to leave.... Migrate...., but I wanted to make sure K got to her car okay.
Please fasten your seatbelt, because what you are about to read will seriously shock you. We headed back to walk K to the car.... And the boys trailed behind.... I was kind of worried about how I looked from behind, but that should have been the least of my worries.
I turned around, and they had disappeared. Gone. Like dirty alleyway ditch of a bad date. It was cold out, but my face went hot and tingly.... I panicked. Had I just been ditched? The day before Christmas eve? No, there must be some explanation..... 6 years of silly communication for a serious KO to the EGO? For someone that I barely knew, thought could be gay, and had more wrinkles than I could see in his pictures? No.... This was not happening!!!
Oh, but it was. We quickly turned around to try and find them.....as if there we some other magical explanation....like a credit card left at the bar.... They didn't tell us they had gone back because.... Uh.... Well... Whatever, we turned around anyway.
Back at the bar, there we saw them, entering the same place once again, thinking they had successfully dropped the extra unwanted baggage on the chilly cement sidewalk. I ran over and quickly brushed past the bouncer who had already checked my ID.... They didn't see me coming, and I grabbed his shoulder and asked him what he was doing..... His brother immediately walked out of the bar and pretended to be on some important call.... I looked my date in the eye and asked him what any normal girl would ask, "WHAT THE F%#¥?!!!!!
There was no life behind his eyes.... No look of guilt..... And he blamed it all on his brother. For a guy who had the balls to ditch a girl who had mustered up the courage to finally meet him after 6 years taking precious time that she only had with her family only once in a blue moon, he didn't have the balls to back up why he had done it.
I didn't wait for an explanation. I just walked away....in my new boots pounding the cold paved sidewalk.... I could see my own breath start to speed up, and I could feel the tears fighting their way past the back of my eyes like water ready to explode and break free from a dam.
I couldn't even secretly pretend it didn't happen, because my sis-in-law had seen it all a go down. I was being forced to face the bad music like being stuffed in a broken elevator where the music won't shut off.
And it would all end with a short and simple email of, "I'm sorry" from him which I promptly marked as junk. The deletion of the emails leading up followed quickly behind, and the "friendship" on Facebook was deleted..... as if it had never been there at all.
And she continued to live single-ly ever after.
Once upon a time, there was a thirty something singleton maiden who longed for a prince...... Oh, hell... This chapter of my love life is so far away from a fairytale that even I cannot pretend to write it that way.
It was a moment in my life that I'd rather soon forget, but instead, I will write about it to rise above the utter a-holeness of the whole thing. The only way to look at this experience is to laugh and guffaw and the ridiculousness of some people's blatant lack of respect for anyone..... And hope that karma is truly the bitch we claim she is, and that she will come calling in some way, shape or form to his life.
The backstory? This is nearly six years ago, mind you...Well, as most bad dating experiences start, I had joined match, and decided that I wouldn't search, but see who peruses my profile. Low and behold, a nice looking guy from my college town gives me a hit, and I email him.
Enter 6 years of short email communications, failed attempts at meeting one another, and some unknown number of Facebook pokes which of course were initiated by him, and obviously didn't mean anything more than a click of a mouse.
Fast forward to the present, and the impending a-hole experience that I could really have done without. Both home for Christmas vacation, we decide to meet up.
The next series of events should have clued me in, but the hopeful singleton maiden in me couldn't let go of the hope that this could be the one that would save me. Little did I know that he would actually swoop me up, throw me off the horse and sell my location to the non-existent wicked witch.
Date was set. Place an location determined by me, but official request by him. THEN he asked if he could bring his brother. A few hours later, he would be wine tasting prior to the date.....then he was running late..... Then he was running even later.... Then he asked if I would meet him and his brother at their hotel room. YES I said hotel room. THEN he said no..... Then he asked if we could pick them up..... And he changed the location. I was flexible. Maybe too flexible, and for a dancer who has barely ever achieved splits in her life, this was really going above and beyond for the faint glimmer of hope.
His resume? Late twenty something early thirty something. AGE RANGE CHECK! Attending USC for Masters in Business EDUCATED CHECK! Already owns his own business JOB CHECK!! Loves to visit family in the bay area where he grew up. FAMILY GUY CHECK and BONUS: FROM BAY AREA
So, emails came.... "I'm so excited to meet you" "I feel like I've known you forever" little did I know it would all end with "I'm sorry"
I won't bore you with any of the awkward details.... He seemed nice, looked just like his photos..... Had a few extra s's in his speech which were questionable.... His brother looked young, and acted young.... But seemed nice.
My prego sis-in-law had joined up for a water on the rocks and splash of moral support. She didn't know what she was in for, and obviously neither did I, or we would still be at home with the family, eating peppermint ice cream and listening to pandora.
They didn't like the bar.... They said it was an older crowd.... We decided to leave.... Migrate...., but I wanted to make sure K got to her car okay.
Please fasten your seatbelt, because what you are about to read will seriously shock you. We headed back to walk K to the car.... And the boys trailed behind.... I was kind of worried about how I looked from behind, but that should have been the least of my worries.
I turned around, and they had disappeared. Gone. Like dirty alleyway ditch of a bad date. It was cold out, but my face went hot and tingly.... I panicked. Had I just been ditched? The day before Christmas eve? No, there must be some explanation..... 6 years of silly communication for a serious KO to the EGO? For someone that I barely knew, thought could be gay, and had more wrinkles than I could see in his pictures? No.... This was not happening!!!
Oh, but it was. We quickly turned around to try and find them.....as if there we some other magical explanation....like a credit card left at the bar.... They didn't tell us they had gone back because.... Uh.... Well... Whatever, we turned around anyway.
Back at the bar, there we saw them, entering the same place once again, thinking they had successfully dropped the extra unwanted baggage on the chilly cement sidewalk. I ran over and quickly brushed past the bouncer who had already checked my ID.... They didn't see me coming, and I grabbed his shoulder and asked him what he was doing..... His brother immediately walked out of the bar and pretended to be on some important call.... I looked my date in the eye and asked him what any normal girl would ask, "WHAT THE F%#¥?!!!!!
There was no life behind his eyes.... No look of guilt..... And he blamed it all on his brother. For a guy who had the balls to ditch a girl who had mustered up the courage to finally meet him after 6 years taking precious time that she only had with her family only once in a blue moon, he didn't have the balls to back up why he had done it.
I didn't wait for an explanation. I just walked away....in my new boots pounding the cold paved sidewalk.... I could see my own breath start to speed up, and I could feel the tears fighting their way past the back of my eyes like water ready to explode and break free from a dam.
I couldn't even secretly pretend it didn't happen, because my sis-in-law had seen it all a go down. I was being forced to face the bad music like being stuffed in a broken elevator where the music won't shut off.
And it would all end with a short and simple email of, "I'm sorry" from him which I promptly marked as junk. The deletion of the emails leading up followed quickly behind, and the "friendship" on Facebook was deleted..... as if it had never been there at all.
And she continued to live single-ly ever after.
Time
-circa- December 2010
Time. It is what we wear on our wrists. It is what we carry in our pockets.We spend it more freely than money, and how we spend it can greatly affect our lives. We are born rich with it. Time is free. Time is precious. Time is irreplaceable. Time doesn't last, and it goes on with or without us. Sometimes time can seem like a waste. And other times, time just flies by leaving us wishing for more.
I woke up this morning to the sound of my brother and his family heading to the airport. The time was 4:00 AM and in just a few hours time, I would be headed to SFO in that same car.
I was sad. This Christmas, time just flew by like an airplane with a message attached to the back in red block letters. You look up, and it is there, and you look up again, and it has flown over the horizon.
It was time for me to get up and get packed again. This time, I had planned ahead, bringing an empty bag to fill with all of my favorite things from home. I had time to head downstairs and make coffee. I didn't want to wake my family before it was time for the rest of them to get up. But I just wanted to make sure I had just a little more time to sip my coffee, in my house, near the tree, before it was time to leave.
I managed to be relatively on time this particular morning. Everything was packed, and after finishing up loose ends, I zipped my tightly packed bags, carried them downstairs, and said goodbye to my family. Again.
It was a very foggy morning. It reminded me of a time when I was younger, and foggy mornings meant heading to school, or interesting drives through the city. It made me think of how saying goodbye, every time, has equally gotten easier and more difficult. It is easy because I have done it many times, but more difficult, because time has made us all older, and the time I spend away, the moments I miss, I will never get back.
We reached the bridge, and this time, took a slightly different route. I looked outside at the grey waters which seemed incredibly calm. Groups of black birds floated on the surface, riding the gentle crests, bobbing up and down. They slowly floated away into the fog, and I wondered how much time they spent on that bay, and if they were cold, and if at some time, I had ever been a bird.
This time, the drive was silent. The radio had been stolen out of the car a long time ago, and it had never been replaced. There was no bubbly music to cover up the inevitable..... The feeling of knowing it was almost time to say goodbye loomed over me like the fog over the city.... It was heavy and thick, and it lacked color or excitement. It was just something I had to go through..... minus the headlights.
I spent a long time waiting to check-in. The line moved slowly, but time kept ticking. The security checkpoint took time, but a handsome TSA officer made the time in line much more bearable. By the time I made it through, it was already time to board.... But, in time, I would find out that we would not be departing on time.... We would wait on the plane an extra hour until it was ready to fly.
I was sitting in the window seat this time. I preferred aisle, but was thankful to have something to rest my head against when I finally did fall asleep. I opened the shade, and as I waited for our departure, I could still see home on the outside of the plane..... I decided to close the shade, close my eyes, and sleep until it was finally time for takeoff. Christmas had come to an end, and it was time to go back.
Time. It is broken up into an infinite number of moments, memories, struggles, and accomplishments. Time is the measure of night and day, and the constant metronome of life and our universe. Time is the rhythm of a dancer, time is the tempo of a song, and the beating of your heart. Time is truly a gift. And this Christmas, I am reminded that it is gift for which I will always be grateful.
Time. It is what we wear on our wrists. It is what we carry in our pockets.We spend it more freely than money, and how we spend it can greatly affect our lives. We are born rich with it. Time is free. Time is precious. Time is irreplaceable. Time doesn't last, and it goes on with or without us. Sometimes time can seem like a waste. And other times, time just flies by leaving us wishing for more.
I woke up this morning to the sound of my brother and his family heading to the airport. The time was 4:00 AM and in just a few hours time, I would be headed to SFO in that same car.
I was sad. This Christmas, time just flew by like an airplane with a message attached to the back in red block letters. You look up, and it is there, and you look up again, and it has flown over the horizon.
It was time for me to get up and get packed again. This time, I had planned ahead, bringing an empty bag to fill with all of my favorite things from home. I had time to head downstairs and make coffee. I didn't want to wake my family before it was time for the rest of them to get up. But I just wanted to make sure I had just a little more time to sip my coffee, in my house, near the tree, before it was time to leave.
I managed to be relatively on time this particular morning. Everything was packed, and after finishing up loose ends, I zipped my tightly packed bags, carried them downstairs, and said goodbye to my family. Again.
It was a very foggy morning. It reminded me of a time when I was younger, and foggy mornings meant heading to school, or interesting drives through the city. It made me think of how saying goodbye, every time, has equally gotten easier and more difficult. It is easy because I have done it many times, but more difficult, because time has made us all older, and the time I spend away, the moments I miss, I will never get back.
We reached the bridge, and this time, took a slightly different route. I looked outside at the grey waters which seemed incredibly calm. Groups of black birds floated on the surface, riding the gentle crests, bobbing up and down. They slowly floated away into the fog, and I wondered how much time they spent on that bay, and if they were cold, and if at some time, I had ever been a bird.
This time, the drive was silent. The radio had been stolen out of the car a long time ago, and it had never been replaced. There was no bubbly music to cover up the inevitable..... The feeling of knowing it was almost time to say goodbye loomed over me like the fog over the city.... It was heavy and thick, and it lacked color or excitement. It was just something I had to go through..... minus the headlights.
I spent a long time waiting to check-in. The line moved slowly, but time kept ticking. The security checkpoint took time, but a handsome TSA officer made the time in line much more bearable. By the time I made it through, it was already time to board.... But, in time, I would find out that we would not be departing on time.... We would wait on the plane an extra hour until it was ready to fly.
I was sitting in the window seat this time. I preferred aisle, but was thankful to have something to rest my head against when I finally did fall asleep. I opened the shade, and as I waited for our departure, I could still see home on the outside of the plane..... I decided to close the shade, close my eyes, and sleep until it was finally time for takeoff. Christmas had come to an end, and it was time to go back.
Time. It is broken up into an infinite number of moments, memories, struggles, and accomplishments. Time is the measure of night and day, and the constant metronome of life and our universe. Time is the rhythm of a dancer, time is the tempo of a song, and the beating of your heart. Time is truly a gift. And this Christmas, I am reminded that it is gift for which I will always be grateful.
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