Signs

Once again I find myself drinking another grande non fat no whip mocha in my friendly neighborhood Starbucks in Greece away from Greece, Astoria New York. I partake in the 2 hours of free internet with the purchase of a Starbucks card because I still have no cable or internet. I ponder all the things I need to get done before I start my new job tonight... and slowly I realize they will not fit into my small time frame. Just as I look up from behind my macbook, a tiny san sai (3 year-old) walks past the window with her father. Dressed in a colorful tank top and walking quite independently, she looks to me sitting in the window and I smile. She smiles back brightly with her beautiful blue eyes looking up to me and waves as three year-olds do... I just know it is going to be a great day.

It made me think about all of the signs I have come across in my life. Do you ever tend to look at the clock at a certain time ALL the time? My perfect time is 1:21. Well, that number in general reoccurs for me everywhere. Whether is is an address I stumble upon when lost, a seat in a theatre, my change etc. It is actually the digits of my birthday. (December 1) Coincidence? I like to think it is some divine reminder of the importance of my place in this world. Just last night, in my moment of sleeplessness, I rolled over to grab my cellphone at exactly 1:21 am.

The other night, I was checking out a night spot for a potential job. I wanted to get a sense of the place before I applied for a job. My friend and I sat on the N train and gossiped about the day and the people around us. Just then, a girl stepped on to our car wearing a tank from the very place we were going to check out! I knew I was doing the right thing. AND after seeing the venue, I was convinced I DID NOT want to work there. Thank goodness I didn't apply first!

These are just a few examples, but the signs are everywhere! If you just open your eyes and your ears, someone is trying encourage us on our way! It could be a song on the radio that speaks to you perfectly in the context of that moment in your life. It could be a certain time on a clock. It could be a dream. It could be a little girl that makes you realize the world is truly a beautiful place and to waste time worrying or being afraid is only a waste of precious energy and time.

It is definitely going to be a great day! -M

Distracted

I took a small sip of my overly sweetened grande non-fat no-whip mocha and saw my pinkie politely up in the air. It made me laugh... I first imagined old fat ladies in lace-trimmed dresses having tea and crumpets on doilies with their pinkies in the air... and then I remembered how he had grabbed it and laughed at me last weekend as I drank the wine he had bought for me. I hoped he would call me today...

I know that I said previously that some distractions can be fun. Please don't get me wrong. They certainly are! The very reason we distract ourselves is to avoid the things we must do which usually are not nearly as interesting. Or, in some cases, we have to block out or ignore something that is too difficult to face head-on.

Distractions are like the tiny devil that sits on our shoulder. It can be incredibly difficult to find focus in the midst of his thick smoke. More often than not, I find myself inhaling the smoke in huge drags. But time is running out... I no longer have the luxury of putting things off until tomorrow. Today is the day, and that devil needs to take a leap.

I want to work professionally in New York. I want to be successful. I want to be independent. I want to love what I do....and eventually, I do want to fall in love. But that pinky-grabbing, wine-buying distraction is not going to to stop me from doing all of those things first....

...unless of course he calls me... ;) -M

Insomnia

I am two days late in returning my rental car. Why is my brain so clouded? It can't be the residual vicodin I took last week? Maybe it is life facing me full on like a flasher that won't shut his trench coat? Maybe it is being unable to unwrap my heartstrings from a certain someone I know is not healthy for me. Or maybe it is how I screwed up my chance at the job I came here to get? D. All of the above.

I have never experienced insomnia. Usually my bed is like Tylenol PM… (unless...) But the last several nights have been so restless and sleepless. I can only wonder whether someone is trying to get me to rethink my choices. Right now, everything is so blurry. My brain is like a kaleidoscope that won't focus. It is a broken eight ball that is stuck on "it's complicated". Yet and in the midst of all of my confusion, comparatively speaking, I am one of the luckiest people I know.

Believing in the cliché "what's meant to be will be" means accepting where you are. So I must be in the right place, right? My usual mantra is beginning to sound more and more like a huge band-aid. I just want to close my eyes and rip that band-aid off quickly so the reality of my situation won't hurt so badly. Maybe facing it eye to eye will help me focus on what needs to happen next. How can I get that kaleidoscope to form a beautiful combination of colors and patterns that are clear and crisp?

Well, truthfully, I don't know how I am going to do what I want to do and I don't know how long it is going to take me. But I do know that down the road, I will never feel a sense of regret for not trying, even if I get a little distracted along the way. Besides, some distractions can be a lot of fun if you know what I mean….-M