As I sit alone, in an empty house, belonging to my friend, who was here when I needed him, the silence speaks loudly in my ears and resonates in my heart. The smell is familiar, the furniture colorful and comfortable. Memories of better times flash before my eyes like ghostly images come and gone. It has been a year and maybe 3 months since I decided to leave this house for New York. I didn't want to have any regret for not going. And now, I can only think of all the things I regret since moving there. They weigh heavily upon my shoulders, and I harbor a deep resentment for all the poor decisions I knowingly made. Like a beggar on a subway shaking his paper cup of change, I hold out my cup to the universe for the advice and guidance that I so greatly need. I want to turn it all around. I want to feel proud of myself again. I want my family and friends to be proud of me. And I do not want to be a burden to anyone.
While the pros and cons battle each other in my mind, I begin to feel the beating of my heart. With every beat, the what ifs, the whys, the hows, and the whens play a redundant and paralyzing message I cannot ignore. I won't ignore. It is time to listen to that little voice in my heart... the voice I have been ignoring for quite some time.
I give up. I surrender. I was unable to make it happen in New York. Whether I was actually capable or not, doesn't really matter anymore. What matters is that I have lost my happiness. I left a little at each audition that turned me away. I lost some as guys in my life came and went so quickly...I left some in each cocktail I served in the lat-night hours. I lost some with the sight of each and every homeless and needy person I could not help. I lost some to the three muggers who preyed upon me. I lost some when I realized how far my friends and family seemed to be. I really knew I had lost it, when even the sight of Broadway couldn't make me smile anymore.
It is time for smart decisions. It is time to make a change. It is time to find my smile again. I know I can, and I will. -M
Monday, August 10, 2009
Sunday, August 9, 2009
The Breakup
"They" say that, "all good things must come to an end." I suppose, inevitably, that is true. And in hindsight, in this particular circumstance, I am not so sure that this was such a "good thing".... (certainly not by Martha's standards... and it should never have been by mine) But nonetheless, it too came to an end. Today.
It hadn't been easy. Being the girlfriend of a devastated guy after the loss of a parent then thrust into a demanding career. I tried my absolute best, as I always do. Trying to fix things...trying to make it work, as Tim Gunn would say. But this is not Project Runway... and I am not next in line to be New York's newest fashion icon... I am just a girl in NYC trying her dream on for size... and so far, it has proven to be WAY too big for me.
I helped him move. I packed up EVERYTHING while he worked. I overlooked his complete lack of organization.... I helped him carry it all down the old stairs and up the new, so he could get to training on time. I helped him study. I researched the answers to his study guides and recited them to him as he drove three hours to training because his time management skills were completely absent. I consoled him when he needed it. I cooked dinner. I barely ever let him pay for me full stop. I cleaned his house when he didn't have the time. I didn't want my boyfriend living in chaos. I ignored his dependence on ambien, adderall, and anti-depression because I thought, hey... that might just be the perfect cocktail for someone who's lost a parent, can't sleep, can't focus, and needs to study. Nevermind that he got his prescriptions from some irresponsible doctor from his Pharma days that would write him a script for anything he wanted without an examination. I ignored the fact that he admitted to me that he used to be a pot head and almost lost his job. There were many signs of abuse... and I chose to ignore them.
NO! He is NORMAL! And he is MY boyfriend!
I mean, it didn't matter that he constantly made fun of me and my friends and my family members.... that always felt really good! It was also fun when he would call me, drugged up on ambien and wine and say crazy things he would never remember in the morning... like he was GAY.... WHAT?
Nope. No matter what you say, I love him, and he is MY boyfriend!
There were also those times where he would "joke" with me. Like the time he said if I didn't do something he'd "cut" me. And to take the joke further, he went into the kitchen, grabbed his biggest butcher knife and said again, "I'll cut you!"....then laughing at his "joke" asked, "you KNOW I was joking, right?" (Yep! We all like to play with butcher knives.... it's called method acting)
Nope.... My boyfriend is amazing. He works so hard. I really do LOVE him!
And in the beginning, his showering me of compliments, flowers, wanting me to move in with him were all the things he swore would never change. "This is me! This is who I am!" (he would say) (and I had thought I had won the boyfriend lottery) Well, those things all came to an end a long time ago...just like this relationship should have if I had accepted the above signs and realized what I truly deserved...
But, NO! He is my AMAZING boyfriend and I will always DEFEND him!
Why didn't I have the courage to break this off myself? I mean, I knew all along that he was not right for me... I kept making excuses for his odd behavior and attributed it all to the death of his father and the stress of his job. I kept painting our future with the colors he gave me in the first month or so of dating him. I held on to that painting in my mind like a coveted masterpiece in a museum. I wanted to own it.
He told me yesterday, as he broke up with me on the swings at a nearby park across the street from my new apartment, that there were some things that I just had not learned yet...and it bothered him. He told me I was un-motivated, did nothing on a weekly basis, and that I would never be on Broadway... that I should get a f* ticket and get in line with everyone else....that we were better off as friends.
Thanks, A$$hole. Got any more salt with you?
Well, he was certainly right about some things... Today, I still haven't learned how to stand up for what I deserve in a relationship. And yes, I am slightly un-motivated because YOU SUCKED it all out of me. And at the given rate, I probably wouldn't be on Broadway because I have been too busy trying to make this sinking relation "ship" stay afloat.
**SIGH**
I know what you are all thinking. I was crazy to stay with him. Well, love can seriously mess with your head. Am I glad it's over? Yes. Do I feel a sense of relief? Yes. Would I ever go back to him? Not even if it meant being cast in the starring role of Broadway's newest hit musical. And that certainly says a lot. -M
It hadn't been easy. Being the girlfriend of a devastated guy after the loss of a parent then thrust into a demanding career. I tried my absolute best, as I always do. Trying to fix things...trying to make it work, as Tim Gunn would say. But this is not Project Runway... and I am not next in line to be New York's newest fashion icon... I am just a girl in NYC trying her dream on for size... and so far, it has proven to be WAY too big for me.
I helped him move. I packed up EVERYTHING while he worked. I overlooked his complete lack of organization.... I helped him carry it all down the old stairs and up the new, so he could get to training on time. I helped him study. I researched the answers to his study guides and recited them to him as he drove three hours to training because his time management skills were completely absent. I consoled him when he needed it. I cooked dinner. I barely ever let him pay for me full stop. I cleaned his house when he didn't have the time. I didn't want my boyfriend living in chaos. I ignored his dependence on ambien, adderall, and anti-depression because I thought, hey... that might just be the perfect cocktail for someone who's lost a parent, can't sleep, can't focus, and needs to study. Nevermind that he got his prescriptions from some irresponsible doctor from his Pharma days that would write him a script for anything he wanted without an examination. I ignored the fact that he admitted to me that he used to be a pot head and almost lost his job. There were many signs of abuse... and I chose to ignore them.
NO! He is NORMAL! And he is MY boyfriend!
I mean, it didn't matter that he constantly made fun of me and my friends and my family members.... that always felt really good! It was also fun when he would call me, drugged up on ambien and wine and say crazy things he would never remember in the morning... like he was GAY.... WHAT?
Nope. No matter what you say, I love him, and he is MY boyfriend!
There were also those times where he would "joke" with me. Like the time he said if I didn't do something he'd "cut" me. And to take the joke further, he went into the kitchen, grabbed his biggest butcher knife and said again, "I'll cut you!"....then laughing at his "joke" asked, "you KNOW I was joking, right?" (Yep! We all like to play with butcher knives.... it's called method acting)
Nope.... My boyfriend is amazing. He works so hard. I really do LOVE him!
And in the beginning, his showering me of compliments, flowers, wanting me to move in with him were all the things he swore would never change. "This is me! This is who I am!" (he would say) (and I had thought I had won the boyfriend lottery) Well, those things all came to an end a long time ago...just like this relationship should have if I had accepted the above signs and realized what I truly deserved...
But, NO! He is my AMAZING boyfriend and I will always DEFEND him!
Why didn't I have the courage to break this off myself? I mean, I knew all along that he was not right for me... I kept making excuses for his odd behavior and attributed it all to the death of his father and the stress of his job. I kept painting our future with the colors he gave me in the first month or so of dating him. I held on to that painting in my mind like a coveted masterpiece in a museum. I wanted to own it.
He told me yesterday, as he broke up with me on the swings at a nearby park across the street from my new apartment, that there were some things that I just had not learned yet...and it bothered him. He told me I was un-motivated, did nothing on a weekly basis, and that I would never be on Broadway... that I should get a f* ticket and get in line with everyone else....that we were better off as friends.
Thanks, A$$hole. Got any more salt with you?
Well, he was certainly right about some things... Today, I still haven't learned how to stand up for what I deserve in a relationship. And yes, I am slightly un-motivated because YOU SUCKED it all out of me. And at the given rate, I probably wouldn't be on Broadway because I have been too busy trying to make this sinking relation "ship" stay afloat.
**SIGH**
I know what you are all thinking. I was crazy to stay with him. Well, love can seriously mess with your head. Am I glad it's over? Yes. Do I feel a sense of relief? Yes. Would I ever go back to him? Not even if it meant being cast in the starring role of Broadway's newest hit musical. And that certainly says a lot. -M
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