Playback....

After my fourth glass of wine, I reached into my bag and grabbed my digital camera. The pressure from the change in altitude made my ears pop, but also aided in getting the buzz going…..I took my usual cocktail of benadryl and wine, and I looked out the window to my right and watched as the tarmac crew prepared the plane for take off. The attendants gossiped a little too loudly in the galley, and I realized that over hearing a conversation and being able to understand it would soon become a normality for me once again. Back to the camera. The mixed nuts arrived. The iPod played a song that recalled a memory that made me smile. I went to playback mode on my cybershot. I viewed each moment caught on my memory card in reverse order. I rewound my life for the past six months. I laughed aloud at some pictures, and wondered if the guy next to me wanted to look. To see it all in reverse…knowing all that I know…feeling all that I felt and am feeling now brought tears to my eyes. I blinked to clear the tears away knowing that it all had only occurred in what seemed like a moment.

The attendant tried to make idle conversation as I pulled out one earphone from my iPod. The lyrics accurately reflected my feelings and I tried to make small talk with her. I looked around and realized that there no longer was anyone to laugh with me. My friends were gone and lost to this big world. He was an hour ahead of me flying through the air that was to separate us. It was just me myself and I alone on an airbus taking me to a place that now seemed more foreign than the foreign country I had chosen to live in the past 8 years.

I again glanced out of the oval window beside me. I looked down upon a mattress of clouds that seemingly supported the air with which I flew. This was the same air with which he had flown. It was the same air that would reach my friends all over the world. It was the same air in which my family would await my return. It was the air that was bringing me back to a life that would force me to say goodbye to people places and things that were held so dearly in my memory.

After a deep breath and a glance to see whether the lavatory is occupied or not, I decided to close my computer and get some rest. The playback ran through my mind as I closed my eyes to see the ever-changing design on the back of my eyelids.

I hope I can get some sleep tonight…or today… or whatever…..it is time to dream again... -M

You Live, You Learn

A wise person once said, "You live, you learn." Or was it Alanis Morissette? Well, now more than ever I find those words flying through my head in an attempt to make me feel better. I have lived now for 29 years, 2 months and a few hours. I have learned a million things. But some things I will just never understand, no matter how hard they are to learn. Like, why do some people insist on being dishonest? And why do some people, like me, always end up believing them?

Living and learning.... it can seriously hurt like a bitch. -M

Happiness Is.....

What is it that truly makes you happy? I can think of so many things that make me happy.....

An amazing piece of music, the sound of rain on my window, a karaoke room at the Oriental, spending time with family, a bouquet of fresh flowers, doria, riding a great roller coaster, Christmas morning, driving my beetle with the top down, playing with my nieces, performing on a stage, a bottle of red with picada, carving a pumpkin, Reeses peanut butter cups, fresh towels, Disneyland, practicing the piano, going to the movies, the ocean, my amazing friends, a sticky pic booth, my uggs, falling in love, giving a present, ordering pizza, waking up every day to a brand new day.....

I hope this blah-g finds you well.... and HAPPY!!!!!

-M

Embracing Change

CHANGE…. it occurred to me that CHANGE is something we both crave and also fear. I am not talking about small CHANGE….splitting CHANGE, CHANGING a diaper, a CHANGE of clothes, CHANGING of the season, CHANGING the laundry over, etc. No, I am talking about the things that we must CHANGE in our lives that impact us long-term and form the people we are to become. CHANGE is the choices we make that affect the paths we choose. CHANGE is what ultimately makes us who we are. From the moment we are conceived we are constantly CHANGING. And as the CHANGES in our lives become less obvious or frequent, we become comfortable and complacent. So then, we find ourselves fearing CHANGE. Even when we crave CHANGE, we still fear the CHANGE that may bring a new view, new feeling, new emotion, new experience because it is unknown. As scared as I am of CHANGE, I realize that the excitement of the unknown is much more enticing than the monotony of predictability.

Being on the brink of CHANGE is almost as if being born again, but with all of the knowledge you have already attained. How many of you would kill for another chance to do exactly what you want to do? Well, with a little CHANGE, anything is possible. So my arms are wide-open ready to embrace the CHANGE that lies in front of me. Let's see what happens…..-M

How Big is Your....

...personal space???? My personal space was tested on my flight home a few days ago....

As I boarded my plane with the rest of the cattle in the economy class, I made my way down the aisle to 21 C. I had an AISLE seat! I hoped the two middle seats would remain empty, but when the attendant announced the "very full flight", I knew I would be sharing my row. I shoved my laptop and purse beneath the seat in front of me and patiently waited to put on my seat belt.

"Excuse me, I will be sitting next to you." I glanced up and saw a very large man. He was covered from neck to arms in tattoo and had piercings in his ears where I wasn't sure holes should be! I quickly hopped out of my seat to give him way. I sat back down, and he stood back up reaching around me to the overhead bin.... well, I now had an excellent view of the tattoo art on his backside... or shall we say plumber's behind?? I have nothing against tattoos, piercings, etc. In fact, there have been many-a-time when I have considered a small secret tattoo of my own, but I did know that being this close to this man was definitely making me uncomfortable, not for who he was, but because of my personal space.

I decided to make the most of my new neighbor. As dinner was served, I asked him what he had been doing in Tokyo. To my surprise, he was a tattoo artist. We had a lovely chat about his studio in San Francisco and his new studio in Tokyo. He told me that he was learning the traditional Japanese method from the best tattoo artist in the world who happened to be in Japan tattooing for the Yakuza. We discussed the stigmas against tattoos in Japan. And he even felt close enough to me to tell me about how the first time a Japanese woman saw him naked, she felt he looked clothed with all of the tattoos.... (Whether it was a closeness in proximity, or my constant ability to have people tell me their life stories, I don't know) We chatted over our gourmet airplane food, and I quickly finished off my second 5 dollar bottle of mini red wine. I was quite please that I had the chance to talk to this guy. We were seemingly the most unlikely pair of neighbors to chat away. I knew the 8 and a half hour flight wouldn't seem as long as I though it would, and that the disturbance in my personal space was slowly dissipating. Maybe my personal space wasn't so small after all?

I slowly reclined my seat the maximum two degrees and tried to go to bed. My neighbor did too. He began to stretch and digest his dinner, burping (loudly) and grunting, and snorting through his nasal passages. Maybe he had a cold. Maybe he had acid indigestion issues. I don't know. But HOW can you do that in public when sitting SO CLOSE to someone who clearly cannot move?...very far? I knew my personal space was still as small as it had been before getting to know my new friend. So, I faced the precious free space of the aisle, turned my iPod up loudly, and prayed for sleep.... how I miss business class..... -M

Regret....

Ahhhh regret. By definition:
re·gret /rɪ--grɛt/
–verb (used with object)
1. to feel sorrow or remorse for (an act, fault, disappointment, etc.) - dictionary.com

Have you ever truly regretted something in your life? I often ask myself this question.... There are definitely moments in my life where regret floated above my head like a dark cloud. But, regret is really just not taking responsibility for our actions. I know I am not perfect. I am bound to do things that I never imagined doing. But to throw it all away to regret and not learn from why we make the decisions we do is just cowardice. So, now as I find that dark cloud looming above my head, I try my best to remember a little something about regret.....

"Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time; it is regret for the things we did not do that is inconsolable." - Sydney Smith

-M

California Burning....

A few nights ago, I fell asleep with the tv on in my room. I awoke around 3:30 out of a deep sleep and glanced at the tv screen. To my surprise, the headline on CNN read "Rancho Bernardo, San Diego in Flames"..... and my heart began to pound.

Years ago, I was in Japan when my sister bought her first home. It was nestled in a beautiful community called Rancho Bernardo, California. She had spent much of her adult life in San Diego making her place as a labor and delivery nurse and now it truly would become her home. As a little sister, I couldn't have been more proud of her. An ocean away, I looked at pictures of her big move, her exciting change, her beautiful home.

As I woke up out of my sleep, I ran to the computer to try and contact my family. My parents and little brother and his wife were all in San Diego for the weekend to participate in the American Cancer Society's Making Strides Against Breast Cancer walk in San Diego. Sure enough, they all had evacuated to Orange County, along with my middle brother and his fiance who also reside in San Diego. I was so relieved to know that everyone was safe. But the sinking feeling in my heart was overwhelming. I couldn't imagine the stress my family was experiencing. I imagined the thousands of people displaced. I wondered how they could deal with not knowing whether their homes were gone.... I thought about all of the animals.... I thought about the children who might be so scared and the elderly people who needed assistance....I thought about the many amazing memories I had with my sister in her house.... and I wanted to cry.

Living in Japan, I have experienced our nation and world's worst disasters through the tv screen. In 2001, I watched the World Trade Center attack live on CNN. I watched the terrible tsunami in 2004 in Southeast Asia. I watched as Hurricane Katrina approached and destroyed the Gulf Coast in 2005. In each instance, feeling so helpless, I cried for the loss of those I had never met. In all of these moments, I had never felt so far away from home and from my family.

As I sit at my desk, watching California burn, writing this blah-g, I realize YET AGAIN just how far away from home I really am. It becomes quite clear just how important family and friends are to me. I recognize that people's lives can change in an instant. I realize I don't want to feel so far away anymore........

My heart goes out to my sister and my brother as they wait for news on their homes. My thoughts and prayers are with all of the people affected by the California Wildfires.... I wish I could be home to help. -M