What's Your Status?

Has anyone noticed how status updates have become a forum for some extremely aggressive or depressing messages? In recent log ins, I realized that some of my friends have used this space to express things that have lead me to be greatly concerned for their well being!!!! Some messages are clearly written for certain people to read.... sometimes imbedded with cryptic inside jokes.... or flat out announcements made to embarrass others in a very public way... Some even go to the extreme of posting a new status message every few minutes.... sometimes Facebook or Myspace can't even keep up!!!!

It made me begin to evaluate my use of these social networking sites. Clearly, I enjoy blogging, so is that any different? At least my blog isn't the first thing you see... And, you have a choice whether you'd like to read it or not. Status updates are a quick way to catch up on your friends without heading to their profile! Instead, you are bombarded with messages that leave you stressed and worried for your friends, or just extremely uncomfortable! What ever happened to "X is great!" or "Y is happy!" or "Z is eating pizza!" I understand that we aren't always great, happy, or eating pizza, but if you aren't anything along those lines.....and feel the need to post it on the internet, I highly recommend starting a blog! That way, you can really get into dirty details with us!

Which brings me to another question about status and the internet. If you are in a relationship with someone, is it 100% necessary to have that status posted on your site? You see, I recently started dating someone. In my preferences, I had no mention of any relationship status whatsoever. Then, one day, I received the inevitable status invite to be "in a relationship with 'him' ". It seemed strange to me. I had already reached boyfriend/girlfriend-ness with him, but, I wasn't sure I needed everyone to know my business. However, no response to this invite could potentially worry him or lead him to believe I was not completely into the relationship! What was I to do? I tried to evaluate why I didn't want everyone to know my business. I realized people have better things to care about than my love life....

So the next time you feel compelled to post a status message, I urge you to consider posting something positive, or post nothing at all. And if you are having doubts about announcing your relationship status online, don't worry.... it will quickly become "yesterday's newsfeed". -M

The Snow Flake

I woke up this morning from a very odd dream, as usual. I rolled out of bed, sore from yesterday's class and peered outside between my blinds to see Astoria covered in snow. Flakes continued to gently fall in every which direction just as you would see in a shaken snow globe. I was beginning to seriously debate leaving the house for any reason. But I knew that I had to go to class.

After breakfast and some morning news, I prepared for the day. I packed my bag with tap shoes, jazz shoes, water, my wallet, iPhone, and the usual necessities. I put on several layers and a scarf... along with Uggs and a long down coat with faux fur trim. I descended down the 3 flights of stairs from my apartment and headed to the subway. As I walked on the sidewalk, I noticed how beautifully the untouched snow glistened in the sun as it broke through the clouds. It was sad to me that the snow on the streets had to be so ugly and dirty....

I boarded the Manhattan bound R and sat in the Priority Seating. I didn't mean to sit there on purpose, but I had already made the move. So I sat, making sure no elderly or pregnant woman needed a seat. I wondered if the other passengers near me cared whether I sat there or not.... the further we rode, the less I cared actually.

I thought about how so many years ago I had begged my parents to let me take dance classes. I was already studying piano and swimming most of the year. I had tried soccer and hated it, I played co-ed basketball because I liked a boy on the team...and hated it. T-ball (hated it).... all I really wanted was to dance. I wanted to dance more than anything in the world. Somehow, I convinced my mom and dad to sign me up for a Saturday morning Tap class. Kids Tap 1. I couldn't wait!

My mom took me to the local dance supply store to buy me new tap shoes. They were patent leather flats... oh ya, with the grow grain ribbon....old school! We had the Teletone taps put on the shoes at our local shoe repair. I was fully decked out with my shiny tan tights and new tap shoes.... Every Saturday was like my heaven! I danced my heart out on a black and white checkered floor and eventually made it to the stage in my first ever dance number, Kool Kool Kitty.....

I laughed when I remembered my hot pink dance costume with black music notes. It was truly hideous, but at that age, anything with a sequin made my day. I wished that some of that youthful spirit would find its way back to me now in this cold city. Because I was seriously dreading tap class now that my face was frozen. I wasn't only dreading it for the cold, but I was dreading it because it had been 8 years since I had truly tapped. I dreaded it because I wasn't sure how I would handle the class. I dreaded it because I knew that this is what I had chosen for my life.... and whether I dreaded it or not, I HAD to commit to what I had come to New York to pursue.

How the next few years in New York play out, is completely up to me. And knowing that somehow makes the burden more severe. It's not as if I have a curriculum to follow.... certain things to study....days to attend class... auditions that I am welcome to attend.... No, I am completely in charge of how I spend each second of each day. And when you are not exactly sure how to accomplish the goals you are trying to achieve, developing your own curriculum can be confusing. It can make you feel just like one of those minuscule flakes in a shaken snow globe.

Where will I land in the city? Will I land in a place where I will be well preserved and sparkle in the sunlight? Or will I land in the streets only to turn brown and slushy and melt away into nothing? Well, we are not snowflakes, although seemingly just as beautiful and complicated and unique. We have the power to make life exactly what we want it to be. I know what I want. What do you want your life to be? -M

Match dot Seriously?

"All my single ladies" (and gentlemen)...."Looking for love in all the wrong places"? It seems as though I have been lately. I decided to jump on the internet dating bandwagon or shall I say bandwidth? While I was living in Japan it seemed like a great idea. After all, the average age of my co-workers was about 21, and the chances of them being interested in women were slim to none. SO it only seemed logical to join one of the most popular dating networks to find other singletons in Japan. All this time I have kept my account, seeing who may peruse my profile.... I am not sure why I continue to pay the biannual fee. I could find better prospects at a dive biker bar.

When you sign up for an account, you fill out details about yourself as well as what you are looking for in your ideal "match". I am pretty sure that when I entered an age range of 25-32 I didn't mean 45. And for those of you who do not post a profile photo, there is no excuse. POST A PHOTO! And why is it that the guys with 2 photos from far away with sunglasses on are always the ones to say, "I'd love to see more of you." I have like 10 photos posted! And please do not use salutations like "TOODLES"! And of course there are always the "matches" that the website chooses for you weekly. I would really love to know who is choosing them for me.... A robot???

So as I continue to paddle my dingy against the current in a sea that is supposedly full of fish... or shall I say, climb the "world wide web" full of spiders, I will hold out on the hopes that there is some fish or spider is looking for me too.... although a huMAN is much more preferable (considering my dislike of both fish and spiders....) -M
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OK.... I have a spider bite.... and this is one spider I like. A LOT.

I wrote this blog several weeks ago, and only today remembered it. I remembered it when I thought about how I had introduced him to my parents last night! I introduced my parents to a guy that I am starting to like.... and I met him on Match. I met him right after I had written this blog. So someone out there in the universe must have heard my plea!

As much as I hate to admit it, I never would have crossed paths with him unless it had been for Match. So, even with all of its flaws, Match has opened up a new door for me. And I know that many of you out there are thinking, "There is NO WAY I would ever consider internet dating." But all I have to say is, "Don't knock it 'til you try it." -M

My Guardian Angel

Two days down, three hundred sixty-three more to go. It's a fledgling year, and my festivities have wound down. Everything that I had been looking forward to just crashed hard into a brick wall and dissolved into fragments in my memory. The end of the holiday season has always hit me hard. Not only is it an end to my favorite time of year, but it is also the beginning of a new year in my life marking my birthday in December. This year has been particularly significant for me. I said sayonara to Japan, I moved to a new and unfamiliar city, I turned 30, and I have no job.

For someone who has followed the suburban template for a successful life, guided by two stable and sturdy parents and under the influence of extremely intelligent siblings, it can be a little scary to explain to anyone what exactly it is I am doing or trying to do here in New York. Sometimes it is even difficult to explain it to myself in my own head....especially when your insecurities and doubts scream back at you like a rival gang taunting your every move.

But in spite of the unknown and the fear that accompanies it, I am guided by this overwhelming feeling that everything is going to be okay. Not only is everything going to be okay, but I know I am going to accomplish something great. It could be what I dream of doing, or it could be something I never had dreamed of doing. It's almost as if a guardian angel is constantly sitting beside me. I can't exactly explain it, but I have always felt this presence. As I face this important transition in my life, I am so grateful for this peace of mind. -M

Cents and Centsibility

I quit my job tonight. I walked out. A misunderstanding that I knew, no matter how hard I tried to dot all my "i"s,cross all my "t"s, and garnish all my drinks, would NEVER be forgotten. Dollars and cents are what we are there to make.... but in the end, it just makes no "cents" to me.

It makes no "cents" that incredibly fortunate owners can let money drive their every being. It makes no "cents" that they can feel proud about a business in which their employees are neglected the basic rights an employee deserves. It makes no "cents" to me that a human can make another human feel so small.

How could he laugh and point at me? How could he feel like a man and tell me it was ALL my fault? It didn't make sense to me.... and clearly didn't make "cents" for him.... and that is why he was driven to do it. It's as if every dollar bill lost was a leaf that had fallen from a tree that could never come back to life....

I have more sense to know that there isn't a cent in the world that could keep me in an environment where someone can make me feel like I am worth nothing. And for that very reason, I am more wealthy than he could ever dream of being. -M

O Tannenbaum

Ahhhh the holidays have arrived.... The streets are adorned with illuminated decor, the lamp posts blast familiar holiday tunes, the Salvation Army rings their bells in hopes of donations, the ice skaters visit the famous plaza to participate in New York tradition, the department store windows compete for the best holiday displays, light snow falls occasionally, and I have finally put up my tree....three times.

Three times, you ask? Yes. And it may not be the last....You see, I visited the corner lot on 31st avenue with my friend to pick out my Christmas tree. I was so excited to have my "When Harry Met Sally Moment" of dragging my tree home with my friend. I picked out the best tree I could afford after bartering with the tree lot guy. He was trying to sell me a 125 dollar tree with a 25 dollar stand. I quickly informed him that this aspiring actress/cocktail waitress would need a cheaper tree! I opted for the 50 dollar tree and the broken 5 dollar stand from Rite aid. It was missing one of the 4 screws. I knew we could rig it somehow.

The tree went up smoothly with the help of my tomodachi. We prepared for the ornament party complete with White Chocolate Martinis, Christmas karaoke, and an ornament exchange! After all carols had been sung, all ornaments placed, and egg nog, SoCo and Godiva Liquor had been consumed, we slept while visions of sugar plums danced in our heads.

This morning, I awoke from my cocktailing graveyard shift to a tree that looked as if tiny little logger elves had chopped my beautiful tree down. I scratched my head, and a small part of me regretted that 5 dollar discounted useless stand I had purchased from Rite Aid. I was screwed without the screw.

Not sure how to fix the 6.5' tree alone, I did my best to prop it up by getting on my knees and shoving my head deep into the branches to get to the trunk. I somehow needed to loosen the three existing screws and shove something sturdy in the fourth quadrant to support the trunk.

I adjusted the 3 screws and the tree actually seemed to stand quite securely. PHEW!!! I picked up the ornaments that had become victims of the unstable tree, vacuumed the fallen needles and happily sipped my coffee with holiday coffee mate.

I sat beside my beautiful tree, covered in ornaments collected over the years, watching Sandra Lee go way overboard with her table scape. Just when I thought all was well, my tree took another dive right before my eyes!!!!! I prayed nothing would break, stopped, dropped and rolled. When it was over I looked up, and the tree had fallen once again between my two couches. I looked around the house for something sturdy to wedge in the stand. All I could come up with was a face lotion box.

So, once again, I managed to prop up the tree, adjust the screws, and shove that box in the stand beside the trunk. I definitely was smelling the tree now. I got closer to my tree this year than I imagined possible!

So, after a second vacuum and ornament recovery, I picked the pine needles from my hair and thought of all my friends far and wide and who may get a little holiday cheer from the image of me and my first New York Christmas tree.

I wish all of you a wonderful holiday season. May it be full of spiked egg nog, carols old and new, friends and family, and of course sturdy trees and fully equipped tree stands. -M

The Fire Breathing Dragon

There is no reasoning with drunk people. There especially is no reasoning with drunk people in dark, crowded lounges with music so loud that reading lips is a prerequisite for employment.

It was a particularly slow night, but I was keeping busy with the few groups in the lounge I had been assigned to. My manager decided to throw the whole lounge at me convincing me I could handle it... encouraging me to breathe and focus, as if anyone could do such a thing in a crowded lounge bumping a mixture of trance and Greek club music. I made my route back and forth on the worn wooden floor through the lounge with my sticky tray, broken nails, liquor-saturated dupe pad, and coveted pens clipped to my tank top. I was ignoring the fact that my dogs were not only barking at me, but growling. I turned my watch to face the underside of my arm. I didn't want to know the time, because I knew the hands would be pointing to numbers that would greatly disappoint.

I made my way to one group that had been keeping me on my toes all night....and I don't mean sous sous.... I was ordered to bring martini after martini to the point where I felt I could even taste the vodka. I knew they would hit a brick wall, and unfortunately, I WAS that brick wall. They asked for the check, and I gladly brought it for them. Now, watching vodka heads try and sort out a check in the dark in a noisy lounge is definitely an interesting site. Usually, they throw a TON of cash in the card holder, or they just say F* it and throw a credit card at you. Then you have to babysit them to make sure they remember how to sign their name praying they leave a tip. But occasionally, you come across the especially drunk ones who cannot even process the idea of paying AT ALL for the mess they have put themselves in....

It was then that the fire breathing dragon emerged from her lair to attack the Broadway-aspiring cocktail waitress who had no shield to protect herself except for her sticky tray. The dragon was forced to pay for her friend's bill when her date had skipped out on paying for her drinks... At a 100 dollars, I can understand why the dragon may have been slightly annoyed at her friend, or even the lame date for the situation... but somehow, the blame was all put on ME! It was because I made her close her tab at the bar to get me her card to pay this bill. But it was my job to get this bill paid. Her fire of cursing words, physical pushing and yelling at me because SHE was from MANHATTAN really made no sense in the context of the situation. I sat there, surrounded by vodka heads, Greek trance pulsating through my head, and my eyes started to blur from the tears that had welled up from inside of me. I took a brief escape inside my head and wondered, how long will I have to deal with this? How did I get here? How can people be such monsters? When can I be in a show again? Will this moment give me the strength I need to give my next shot? And as the dragon continued to spew fire, I grabbed the credit card and pushed my way through the crowd, tray in hand, blinking the tears away, and paid the bill.

The dragon had won. My tray wasn't enough to protect me from her fiery words that burned deep into my heart. My tears were trying hard to put out the flames, but even they weren't enough. I am not sure why the stupidity of a drunk dragon monster affected me. But more than the burn from her fire, was the deep desire to escape and do what I really want to do, and the ever-present question of IF I will get to do it at all. Will the fair maiden be doomed to serve dragon monsters alcoholic fuel to their fires forever???

The answer to that is NO. I know this is only temporary and there is a light at the end of the tunnel, even if that tunnel has tons of twists and turns where the light is seemingly far away if there at all. So in the meantime, I will protect myself by carrying a larger tray and perhaps a pair of earplugs...to not only drown out the stupidity of vodka heads, but the horribly loud music as well. -M